The Honeymoon's Over: Escalation

Here it comes. After days of being sucked up to, the escalation period of the cycle has begun. I dread what I know is coming.

Over the past week or so, I've gone into shutdown mode. Emotionally and physically distancing myself, I've retreated within the confines of my own being. I guess it's some sort of defense mechanism on my part.

The escalation started last night. While chatting with a friend on Facebook (a female friend), the snide comments started.

"I guess I'm the only lonely one around here."

"Guess I'm going to have to get on the computer to talk."

Comments like these are made to do one thing: get me to feel guilty because HIS wants and needs aren't being met. From there, guilt is used to keep me in isolation from the world.

Back when I worked for a large fast-food chain, I had a very close friend whose husband was dying of brain cancer. Being his only caregiver, she suggested that her and I go to Amish country for the weekend to get away and decompress. It sounded wonderful. She needed a break, and I was hungry for a different perspective on the world. The drudgery would've been broken, and she would be able to talk openly about her situation. But it wasn't meant to be.

"Sure, you'll spend time with her, but not me. We never spend any time together, and you want to spend some free time with someone else. What about me? I'm your husband. You should want to spend time with me first." Needless to say, I didn't go.

After so many times of making excuses for not being able to go, friends quit asking. The isolation grows.

Friends haven't been the only ones who I've had to make excuses to. My family has quit asking me to do things because they don't want to piss off the husband and make my life miserable. I have done things in the past with my family, but when I have, my cell rings at least 10 times while I'm gone with the same question: When am I coming home? With each phone call, the tone is a little more harsh. When I'd get home, the verbal assault would begin. And the cycle would start all over again.

I have a knot in my stomach as I type this because I know what's coming. It's like watching a train wreck, and you can't do anything to stop it. Hope seems rare on days like today.

I just pray to God that He gives me the strength to weather the storm looming on the horizon.

Whole Lotta Booty-Kissin' Going On

Last week, I started to document my journey to a better life for me and my kids. For those who may not have read, I've finally had enough of emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse after living it for 20 years. I deserve better than that, and, at the age of 43, I don't want to spend my remaining years unhappy.

The honeymoon phase of the cycle has continued. Sickeningly sweet for the better part of the time, I think the hubby has realized that something is amiss but can't quite pinpoint it. He made it a point to make sure I knew that he was taking the kids to church on Sunday. No offers of or attempts made at helping around the house, but it's almost like I'm being sent the message of "Hey! I know something's wrong, but I'm instantly going to be a great person!" Yeah, maybe for now.

The temptation to just chalk all of this up to me having a bad few days and forgetting it is strong. I have to resist the urge to just carry on as before. If I don't, it's only a matter of time before I'm right back to square one, and I just can't do it. I have to focus.

Last night, I got a glimpse into why my backside has lip marks all over it.

I need to preface this next part with an important point. The hubby has been given anything he wants all his life. Sure, he's worked hard for a lot of things, but he's always made sure that what HE wants is paramount. He gets an idea planted in his head, and it turns into an obsession until he gets what he wants. There is no logic behind it. He's a junkie who needs to satisfy a craving.

He asked me last night what I thought of a piece of property that sits immediately off the Pennsylvania Turnpike. Primo property, it has been the site of three failed restaurants. I don't know why, but it has.

The reason he asked was revealed next. He thinks it would be a great place to put a franchise restaurant and offer travelers more of a choice when stopping for food. The idea is great, but the implementation is what bothers me. Done the right way, the potential is there to do very well.

Looking into the initial cost, we discovered that it's going to take a total of $1.3 to $2.3 million just to get the doors open. That price includes real estate. My stomach turned.

"WE have to gamble big!!" he said.

"Yes, but when you gamble big, you can lose big. I don't want to lose everything." was my reply.

His solution to the potential loss of everything we've worked for (especially the house)? Move in with his parents. Oh joy. There's something that'll push me over the edge.

While I understand that you don't get anywhere without risk, I just can't back this idea. It falls under the "Does your abuser accumulate debt for you to handle?" category. It makes me sick.

I bought tickets for Wednesday's Powerball jackpot. Pray that "my Limbaugh baby" wins!!! He wouldn't have to worry about anyone else getting half.

The Honeymoon Continues....

I'm now right smack dab in the middle of the honeymoon phase of the abuse cycle. While I have shut down and become an emotional mess, the hubby does nothing but express his undying concern for my well being. "I'm really worried about you," he said. At this point, I seized upon an opportunity for some dialogue without tipping my hand too much.

I asked him why, if he cares so much, does he say the things he says sometimes? His answer is one of a typical abuser: "It's the way my dad reacted to things growing up." No excuse. He's a 44-year-old man capable of making his own decisions in this life and deciding to seek out help if he knows that what he's doing is wrong. He actually told me that maybe I need counseling. That was the most rational thing he's said in a long time. The attempt at making me question my sanity has emboldened me to seek out a therapist. Backfire, anyone?

"Why do I feel like all I am is added stress to you?" was the next question I asked. He told me that I really wasn't, but he's got a lot of other things going on with work. Anyone want to venture a guess as to how much I believed that load of bullsh**?

From there, the conversation went the way of a classic abuser. He proceeded to point out my flaws and the things I do to aggravate him. Like I'm not capable of recognizing my own shortcomings. It took every ounce of me to not internalize this and follow the pattern. He was fishing for a "Yeah but you..." argument, and I wasn't giving it to him.

I actually got some sleep last night. I had to rely on my Xanax to do so, but it was so refreshing to wake up feeling somewhat more stable. I'm still not eating much, but hopefully that will improve in time. Amazing what stress can do to the human body.

The sun is shining a little brighter today (what I can see through the white out), and I pray that it continues to grow a little brighter every day from this point on. I don't like the darkness.

All my love and prayers to yinz,
B & G

The Second Step

Last night, I took the first step in reclaiming my life and my dignity. After years of insults, mind games, and double standards, I finally realized the pattern of abuse. While I bear no physical injuries, my psyche and my soul seem damaged beyond repair. I feel old.

I awoke this morning with a new mission in life: to reclaim my life and find the happiness that my kids and I deserve. I don't know how, and I don't know when, but I WILL get there with the help of God.

After getting Cheyenne on the bus, I came in the house and made a decision to call a domestic abuse hotline. I was terrified. What if I'm blowing all of this out of proportion? What if I'm found out? Am I admitting that I've been in a second failed marriage? What will people think?

The woman I talked to listened to me cry (uncontrollably a lot of the time), tell my story, and release years of hurt. She asked me questions about the whole situation and what led up to this. Not once did I feel judged or made to feel like I did anything wrong. I didn't know that there were people out there able to listen without judgment. It was refreshing.

During the course of my phone call, I was assured that I'm worthy of love without pain. I honestly don't know if I've ever experienced such a concept. We talked, I cried. Suggestions were given, and I need to examine how to execute them.

Now, as I type this, I'm going through the self-doubt phase and wondering if I made the right decision. I'm terrified of the confrontation that I know is eventually going to come. I'm just not ready to deal with it yet. Hopefully, with time and the grace of God, I'll one day be strong enough to face it. Today, however, is not that day.

I thank everyone who has given their thoughts and prayers since last night. It's more love and support I've had in over 20 years. The sad part is that it hasn't come from someone who professes to love me soooo much. How someone can claim to love another so much yet inflict so much pain is a concept that boggles my mind.

I'll keep yinz informed as I travel down this uncertain road. I'm just thankful to God for giving me such wonderful traveling companions.

Love always,
B & G

Today is the First Day...

Today marks a new beginning for me. After years of denial about my situation, I've faced it. Now begins a new chapter in my life. How that chapter will be written is unknown and terrifying, but it's a chapter that needs to be written.

For years, I've been leading a double life. There was the life that everyone saw. Smiling, joking, and seemingly carefree, it was a facade. What no one has seen is the very dark life behind the smile. A life filled with insults, self-doubt, and fear. The pain is excruciating.

For far too long, I've ridden the emotional roller coaster not knowing how to get off of it. Now, I just have to pray that God can give me the strength and guidance to do what's best for me and my kids. I already see some behavior patterns emerging in them that I don't like. Kids mimic what they see.

When I met my husband almost 20 years ago, I never dreamed that it would come to this point. I had hopes of an idyllic life and was willing to work hard to achieve it. Now, I'm completely spent and feel numb inside. Time has taken its toll and eroded any willingness to keep fighting for respect and love.

I think back on some of the incidents that have brought me to this point. They've intensified in recent years and have finally reached the point of boiling over. I can honestly say that I should've been more aware back then, but I fell into the whole "I'm sorry" honeymoon period and trusted that he meant it. He did. Until the next time.

There were many times where I felt the only way to stop the pain was to end my life. One time, I was actually in my bedroom sitting on my bed feeling worthless and hurt after a verbal beating. Holding my .38, I prayed to God to help me. He did. My kids walked into my room to tell me the joke they were both cackling about. I thank God for that. The thought of leaving them with an abuser sickens me.

I'm not sure where this path in life is going to lead to, but I'm leaving it in God's hands. He knows best.

I thank all of my blogger friends and readers for their love and support during this trial by fire. I've been extremely blessed to have met you, and I appreciate each and every one of you. May God bless and keep you all. I'll be in touch.

Much love,
B & G

A Public Service Announcement from B & G

There's an issue lately that I'd like to spread some awareness about. While we're all aware of the travesty of battering, I'd like to take this opportunity to remind everyone that abuse isn't only physical. Emotional and verbal abuse is equally abhorrent.

Abuse in any form is uncalled for. Abusers come in all colors, ages, and economic backgrounds. Their constant need for control over any given situation is who they are and what they do. Most of the time, the behavior stems from a need to control. Emotional and verbal abuse weapons are silence, belittling, and blame.

The cycle of abuse is the same as one who beats another. Escalation, abuse, and then a honeymoon period of "I'm sorry. I had a bad day (or just have a lot of stress, etc.)." The duration of the honeymoon phase varies, but make no mistake about it. An abuser will ALWAYS come back to repeat the cycle.

No one is perfect. The victim of an abuser has flaws just by nature of being human. But no matter the flaws, that is NO EXCUSE to be put down, emotionally torn apart, or made to feel guilty. Often, an abuser will pinpoint these flaws and use them as weapons. Self-esteem suffers, and the victim is often left feeling helpless and worthless.

So what are the signs of emotional/verbal abuse? If you think you or someone you know is in an emotionally abusive relationship, here are some questions to ask.

Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?--Are you walking on eggshells for fear of triggering a tirade?

Does your partner frequently criticize you, humiliate you, or undermine your self-esteem?--Words like "stupid","disgusting", and "What's your problem?" are red flags.

Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?--Are you made to feel like your opinion makes no sense or isn't right?

Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups?--This is how the abuser maintains control. The amount of isolation varies, but it's still isolation.

Does your partner limit your access to work, money or material resources?--"We need to watch spending" while spending money like a sailor on shore leave.

Has your partner ever stolen from you? Or run up debts for you to handle?

Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close? -- Again, the roller coaster of the abusive cycle.

Have you ever felt obligated to have sex, just to avoid an argument about it?--"Don't you love me anymore?" "You must be having an affair." These are common. A lot of abusers will use these phrases to manipulate the victim into submission.

Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?--This is especially true for victims with children. They need the most support and help.

Has your partner ever thrown away your belongings, destroyed objects or threatened pets?--Your old childhood teddy bear may mean a lot to you, but the abuser sees it as trivial and worthless and won't hesitate to throw it out if they see fit.

Are you afraid of your partner?--Do you fear another argument? Do they threaten you with "what if" situations of what they'd do if you ever left? Abuse.

I hope and pray that if one victim of abuse is saved by this, that they find the happiness they truly deserve. No one deserves to be left with emotional scars that can last a lifetime.

I'm B & G, and I'm a victim of emotional and verbal abuse. There. I've said it. Now I can figure out how to heal.