The Lies That Blind

Today's youth. What can be said? For an entire generation, kids have been fed a myriad of lies that have helped to turn them into spoiled, coddled brats. While not all kids are such, I see far too many who are.

Public schools and mainstream media have ensured that the hope for a better future that we parents have in our children has been quelled in exchange for an agenda poised to ruin the very freedoms generations of Americans have loved, fought, and died for. I pray that one day the tide will turn many of today's young people enjoy some of the greatest pleasures of life that my generation did.

To the youth of today:

All of your young lives, you have been told many things. Some are true, some are not. I hope to enlighten you a bit. Trust that my intention is to give you food for thought so you may exercise your God-given right to think for yourselves. The freedom to think for oneself is perhaps the greatest of all rights bestowed upon us by our creator.

Reality Check #1 -- There is NO separation of church and state clause within the Constitution that says you cannot erect a cross on government property. The 'separation' clause seeks only to prevent the government from establishing an official religion for the country in the same manner as many islamic countries. Interpreting the clause to mean that all traces of religion are to be banned from public property only sets to establish atheism as the official government religion in clear violation of the Constitution.

Reality Check #2 -- No one in your life owes you ANYTHING. What you get out of this life will be determined by the amount of hard work you put into making your dreams come to fruition. If you sit back and wait for everything to be handed to you, you will have nothing but the invisible shackles of slavery binding you. When you are given all that you have, you become a puppet of those who say you deserve without having to work for it.

Reality Check #3 -- Corporal punishment is NOT child abuse. Children being beaten and tortured by their caregivers is an abomination under all circumstances, but a swat on the behind of a small child is a totally different thing. You've heard "Spare the rod, spoil the child"? It's true. And, no, it does NOT teach young children to be violent. I offer that being told it's okay to get what you want by using force is what teaches kids to be violent.

Reality Check #4 -- Capitalism is NOT evil. It is what has made this country prosperous since its founding. Do your parents work for what you have? You can thank capitalism for that. When government puts restrictions on capitalism, government becomes the arbiter of what the people deserve. And trust me: government does NOT know what is best for the free individual.

Reality Check #5 -- Evil does exist in this world. There are those who hate America and her people for the way we live. A beautiful, cloudless day in September of 2001 proved that, and no amount of trying to understand and appease those who believe this way will ever change their minds. Appeasement is weakness to them, and they will shake your hand while peeing in your shoes.

Reality Check #6 -- Being exposed to germs will benefit you in the long run. Sure, you may get slightly ill with a cold or flu on occasion, but your immune system will be all the stronger for it. Live in a sterile environment, and your body will not know how to fight off illness.

Reality Check #7 -- You do NOT have the right to NOT be offended. Just as you enjoy freedom of expression, so do those who have opposing views. Don't whine about how offended you are when someone disagrees with you.

Reality Check #8 -- Good self-esteem comes from hard work and success, not the other way around. The drive to succeed will build your self-esteem and make you feel good about your life. When you are taught that 'everyone wins' during your Little League years because there is no score being kept, you grow up thinking that the world will treat you fairly when you reach adulthood. It won't.

Reality Check #9 -- There is no such thing as failure. Falling short of your goal is merely another opportunity to regroup and try again to make your dreams come true.

Reality Check #10 -- Raw cookie dough will not kill you if you eat it. Many generations of people have fought for what is left in the bowl after all the batter has been used. Guess what? We're alive and well. And it's one of the truly decadent pleasures of childhood.

To the youth of today, I pray that some of what I've said causes you to stop and think about everything you get told in school and by the mainstream media. Please stop feeling entitled to everything and learn to be a free individual. It's the most precious thing you will ever learn.

B & G

Oh, The Questions!!!

For a little fun on a Friday, I've decided to list some of the questions I've received from customers. While the questions will leave you scratching your head, they were asked in all seriousness by these people. Happy weekend, folks!

• Out on the floor working and wearing my name badge, MANY people ask "Do you work here?" I'd love to say, "No. I'm just an extra special customer, so they decided to give me one of these name tags."
• "If this belly ring (nose stud, etc.) doesn't look right, can I bring it back for a refund?"
• "I know this Wal Mart is open 24 hours, but what time does it close?"
• Standing at the jewelry counter (which is located directly across from shoes), a customer asked where they could find shoelaces.
• A woman asked to see a ring from the display case and asked what size it was. I replied, "All of our display rings in this case are size 7." Her question? "What about the one next to it?"
• "How much does your free ear piercing cost?"
• A customer asked if a certain piece of jewelry was white gold or stainless steel. I informed them that it was stainless steel. When asked how I knew, I pointed to the words "stainless steel" in the box.
• Minors are required to have a parent give permission for ear piercing. No exceptions. A young man wanted his done and was informed that he needed a parent. Grandma spoke up and said that she had guardianship of him. A co-worker of mine said that we needed proof of that to do the piercing. Grandma gets out her driver's license.
• Lastly, but certainly not least, is my favorite: "Bet you get some pretty dumb questions from people, don't ya?"

Have a faboo weekend everyone!!!!

This Chapter is Complete

After a long and trying journey, I'm here to say that a new chapter is beginning in my life. I'm still unsure about what the future holds for me, but I'm not afraid to take charge anymore. Having both made mistakes in this marriage, my husband and I have decided to call it quits.

I'm continuing to learn from all of this. I've learned that I'm a lot stronger than I've given myself credit for at times and that life is too precious to sit by and watch the world without being a part of it. Adversity may come up and bite us in the behind from time to time, but how we handle that adversity speaks to our character.

When we first met, we truly thought that we had found our soulmates. We had our bumps in the road, but they were speed bumps and not potholes. We worked together to face and resolve problems. I don't know where we lost that, but we did. Maybe the place in the road where we lost that was too far back to try and find it again. I don't know.

As many of you have read, we hit extremely rough times of late. Between work, home, and life in general, the will to fight for our marriage diminished. Compound mistakes on both sides, and the odds of finding what we once had were microscopic. The only thing that hasn't diminished is our love for our kids. THEY are the reason we've decided to focus everything on them and their well-being. They've got all the support from both of us that they'll ever need.

In a few weeks, I'll be moving to my own place close by. I'm purchasing a home for me and the kids, and their lives will only be disrupted a bit. They'll attend the same schools and have the opportunity to visit with dad every evening if they so choose. Friends from school will be their neighbors, and the opportunity for them to gain social skills is there. Once again, God has blessed me.

Things may have not worked out for me and the husband, but I hope he finds happiness. I wish him no ill will regardless of the past mistakes we've made. The kids think the world of him, and I'll not tarnish that image. Truthfully, we've been more civil since coming to this decision than we have in a long time. We've vowed to move forward with our lives, and I have much hope and anticipation to see where this new road leads.

To anyone out there who may be in the same position as I was when this journey started: There is hope (and not the stupid BHO kind) for happiness and peace. Stay strong, stay focused, and ALWAYS be true to yourself. You're much too special to settle for anything less. You deserve all the happiness the world has to offer. Don't think that you don't. And always keep the faith. It moves mountains and blazes new paths for us to follow.

I just hope the world is ready for a B & G fan with a taste for life.

A Day to Remember

Friday, I had the pleasure of being a chaperon on Noah's field trip. It was a day filled with laughter, jokes, and talk. Much needed for both of us, it was a day where I had no distractions from him.

We went to (of all places) Cleveland to visit the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Cleveland Museum of Natural History. While we weren't expecting the bone-cutting wind coming off of Lake Erie, we were excited.

The Hall of Fame was wonderful. I talked to the kids I was in charge of about different displays we saw and how music was forever changed by those who graced the halls. Not wanting to dampen their spirits, I was tactful in my argument against ABBA being in the HOF before Rush and many other bands. Kids today....

We ate lunch at the Hard Rock Cafe on the waterfront, about a mile away from the HOF. We chaperons relived our favorite musical tastes (usually the 80's) at a table while the kids sat eating and texting the person in the next chair. The day went well.

The Cleveland Museum of Natural History was a necessity for the school district to allow the day as a field trip. Trust me. It's not the kind of museum like we have here in da 'burgh. Snoozefest best describes that part of the day.

The bus ride home was long and tiring. The kids on our bus were well-behaved despite the fact that they were buzzing along on soda and energy drinks. Getting back, Noah and I talked about our favorite parts of the day. We enjoyed rehashing memories of the trip. It's a day that will stay fresh in my mind for a long time.

I posted pics of our trip on my Facebook page. To view them, go to:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=7928&id=100000747835881&l=e449b758a9

Thanks for the great day, Noah. I love you, pal.

New Beginnings

Monday was our first marriage counseling session. Knowing that this is what will make or break my marriage, I tried to be upbeat and keep a positive attitude.

The counselor seems like a nice man. In his early 60's, he told us that he is a former Green Beret who served two tours in Vietnam and felt a calling to use his psychology degree to help people. The group he is affiliated with is a faith-based group of counselors. A little faith never hurt, so I was okay with that.

We opened the session with prayer. It wasn't a bad idea because I knew things could very ugly in the following hour. And they did.

During the course of the session, the counselor asked a myriad of questions about the marriage. Most of the questions were for both of us to answer aloud individually. I still tried to maintain a positive attitude.

The pivotal moment came when the hubby tried to downplay the extent of his actions over the years. In a calm demeanor, I turned to him and said, "You are an abuser." The silence that followed was deafening. It felt fantastic for me to say that directly to the husband. My strength grew a bit more.

The counselor proceeded to lay some of the blame for all of this at my feet. I told him that I was tired of being made to feel guilty about all the problems at home, and he then told me that the husband can't make me feel guilty because I'm the one in charge of my emotions. If I feel guilty and horrible because of a verbal barrage, he said that it was of my own doing. While I've made mistakes and atoned for them, I don't believe that blaming someone crying out for help is the way to go.

It was also said that it is not 'God's will' that a marriage fail. My question should've been "Is it God's will that a person just take years of abuse?" But, I held back.

I'm definitely not comfortable with this counselor. While faith has gotten him through some very dark times, I don't think it should be the blanket answer to the problems here. We need very realistic and very practical advice if this is going to work. Does that mean that faith gets shoved out of the picture? No. But I've done a LOT of praying over the years that things would get better. They would, then the cycle would begin again.

I'm starting a new attitude in my life. It's about me and my kids. Period. I'll continue to go to the sessions and give it an honest try, but my focus is shifting to the reality that this marriage MAY not survive. I don't know.

I've begun to take time for myself while the kids are in school. I'm going to a day spa today for a wax before my upcoming beach weekend. I'm going alone to just sit and be. I'll leave my carbon footprint by just converting oxygen to carbon dioxide. That's the hardest thing I want to do. I've spent so many years trying to take care of everyone and everything else that I got lost somewhere along the line. I have to find myself and not feel guilty for taking care of that broken spirit. My kids deserve a happy mom, and with the strength of God and friends, I'll give them just that.

No matter what, I think I see peace at the end of a very long, dark tunnel.

One Last Try

I know I've been away for a while (entirely too long for me), but, as many of you know, I've been dealing with some personal issues here on the homefront. It hasn't been easy, and things have taken an even more hideous turn in the past day or two.

For some reason, I've become emboldened in my quest for happiness of late. I don't know whether it's been the support of all yinz or the grace of God, but I've actually had the wherewithal to just be honest about my feelings and my take on the situation. Until last night, the hubby's reaction was one of disbelief mixed with a sense of frustration over not being able to make it right in an instant. I kindly explained that it didn't come to this overnight, so it wasn't going to get fixed overnight. He seemed to understand when I said I need to deal with some things in my own time and space. Then, last night happened.

We went to get a bite to eat before stopping by Wal-Mart to get a few items. It was just him, me, and Cheyenne. During the course of the meal, he started prodding me to talk about things. I didn't feel that it was appropriate to have Cheyenne witness all of the potential ugliness, but he kept pushing and pushing and pushing..... It ended up as a screaming match in the dining room and Cheyenne hysterically screaming "Daddy, you let Mommy alone!" Very ugly.

This morning, he didn't go to work because he said he felt sick. I can understand that. Been there in my first marriage and reliving it in my second. He once again starts digging for answers. Not getting anywhere, I decided to go to the mall and clear my head for a while. I didn't hide where I was going and said I'd return in a short while. Upon arriving home, he up and leaves for wherever saying things along the line of he can't believe I don't want to work things out. On the contrary, we're to attend our first counseling session on Monday. If I didn't care, I would've just left with the kids.

When he got home, we decided to take the kids to the local McD's for dinner and some time out. In the middle of eating, he starts again. I left there in tears. Stopping at the bar, I put my notice in. I know it's caving into him, but at this point it's standing on principle or my sanity. My kids need a sane mom.

He calls before I got home (we had taken two cars) and says that he's spending the weekend at his parents' house. He can't deal with being in the same house and feeling like he can't get near me or talk to me, so he's gone for the weekend.

I think the larger problem is that lately I haven't reacted to his pressure the way I normally did. I'm stronger now. Before, I would've done anything just to keep the peace and not rock the boat. Now, I feel like I'm in the last lap at Daytona. I'm hellbent on getting the issues resolved one way or the other, whether that means we fix our relationship or part ways. Either way, I know there is peace ahead.

Thanks to everyone who has been here to give me your loving thoughts and prayers. YOU are part of the reason I'm getting through this. It touches me deeply. I now know that there are people out there who care and that I'm someone worthy of that kind of love. Yinz are my angels.

I'll let you know how Monday pans out. Until then, I'll be thanking God for all of you.

All my love,
B & G

The Honeymoon's Over: Escalation

Here it comes. After days of being sucked up to, the escalation period of the cycle has begun. I dread what I know is coming.

Over the past week or so, I've gone into shutdown mode. Emotionally and physically distancing myself, I've retreated within the confines of my own being. I guess it's some sort of defense mechanism on my part.

The escalation started last night. While chatting with a friend on Facebook (a female friend), the snide comments started.

"I guess I'm the only lonely one around here."

"Guess I'm going to have to get on the computer to talk."

Comments like these are made to do one thing: get me to feel guilty because HIS wants and needs aren't being met. From there, guilt is used to keep me in isolation from the world.

Back when I worked for a large fast-food chain, I had a very close friend whose husband was dying of brain cancer. Being his only caregiver, she suggested that her and I go to Amish country for the weekend to get away and decompress. It sounded wonderful. She needed a break, and I was hungry for a different perspective on the world. The drudgery would've been broken, and she would be able to talk openly about her situation. But it wasn't meant to be.

"Sure, you'll spend time with her, but not me. We never spend any time together, and you want to spend some free time with someone else. What about me? I'm your husband. You should want to spend time with me first." Needless to say, I didn't go.

After so many times of making excuses for not being able to go, friends quit asking. The isolation grows.

Friends haven't been the only ones who I've had to make excuses to. My family has quit asking me to do things because they don't want to piss off the husband and make my life miserable. I have done things in the past with my family, but when I have, my cell rings at least 10 times while I'm gone with the same question: When am I coming home? With each phone call, the tone is a little more harsh. When I'd get home, the verbal assault would begin. And the cycle would start all over again.

I have a knot in my stomach as I type this because I know what's coming. It's like watching a train wreck, and you can't do anything to stop it. Hope seems rare on days like today.

I just pray to God that He gives me the strength to weather the storm looming on the horizon.

Whole Lotta Booty-Kissin' Going On

Last week, I started to document my journey to a better life for me and my kids. For those who may not have read, I've finally had enough of emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse after living it for 20 years. I deserve better than that, and, at the age of 43, I don't want to spend my remaining years unhappy.

The honeymoon phase of the cycle has continued. Sickeningly sweet for the better part of the time, I think the hubby has realized that something is amiss but can't quite pinpoint it. He made it a point to make sure I knew that he was taking the kids to church on Sunday. No offers of or attempts made at helping around the house, but it's almost like I'm being sent the message of "Hey! I know something's wrong, but I'm instantly going to be a great person!" Yeah, maybe for now.

The temptation to just chalk all of this up to me having a bad few days and forgetting it is strong. I have to resist the urge to just carry on as before. If I don't, it's only a matter of time before I'm right back to square one, and I just can't do it. I have to focus.

Last night, I got a glimpse into why my backside has lip marks all over it.

I need to preface this next part with an important point. The hubby has been given anything he wants all his life. Sure, he's worked hard for a lot of things, but he's always made sure that what HE wants is paramount. He gets an idea planted in his head, and it turns into an obsession until he gets what he wants. There is no logic behind it. He's a junkie who needs to satisfy a craving.

He asked me last night what I thought of a piece of property that sits immediately off the Pennsylvania Turnpike. Primo property, it has been the site of three failed restaurants. I don't know why, but it has.

The reason he asked was revealed next. He thinks it would be a great place to put a franchise restaurant and offer travelers more of a choice when stopping for food. The idea is great, but the implementation is what bothers me. Done the right way, the potential is there to do very well.

Looking into the initial cost, we discovered that it's going to take a total of $1.3 to $2.3 million just to get the doors open. That price includes real estate. My stomach turned.

"WE have to gamble big!!" he said.

"Yes, but when you gamble big, you can lose big. I don't want to lose everything." was my reply.

His solution to the potential loss of everything we've worked for (especially the house)? Move in with his parents. Oh joy. There's something that'll push me over the edge.

While I understand that you don't get anywhere without risk, I just can't back this idea. It falls under the "Does your abuser accumulate debt for you to handle?" category. It makes me sick.

I bought tickets for Wednesday's Powerball jackpot. Pray that "my Limbaugh baby" wins!!! He wouldn't have to worry about anyone else getting half.

The Honeymoon Continues....

I'm now right smack dab in the middle of the honeymoon phase of the abuse cycle. While I have shut down and become an emotional mess, the hubby does nothing but express his undying concern for my well being. "I'm really worried about you," he said. At this point, I seized upon an opportunity for some dialogue without tipping my hand too much.

I asked him why, if he cares so much, does he say the things he says sometimes? His answer is one of a typical abuser: "It's the way my dad reacted to things growing up." No excuse. He's a 44-year-old man capable of making his own decisions in this life and deciding to seek out help if he knows that what he's doing is wrong. He actually told me that maybe I need counseling. That was the most rational thing he's said in a long time. The attempt at making me question my sanity has emboldened me to seek out a therapist. Backfire, anyone?

"Why do I feel like all I am is added stress to you?" was the next question I asked. He told me that I really wasn't, but he's got a lot of other things going on with work. Anyone want to venture a guess as to how much I believed that load of bullsh**?

From there, the conversation went the way of a classic abuser. He proceeded to point out my flaws and the things I do to aggravate him. Like I'm not capable of recognizing my own shortcomings. It took every ounce of me to not internalize this and follow the pattern. He was fishing for a "Yeah but you..." argument, and I wasn't giving it to him.

I actually got some sleep last night. I had to rely on my Xanax to do so, but it was so refreshing to wake up feeling somewhat more stable. I'm still not eating much, but hopefully that will improve in time. Amazing what stress can do to the human body.

The sun is shining a little brighter today (what I can see through the white out), and I pray that it continues to grow a little brighter every day from this point on. I don't like the darkness.

All my love and prayers to yinz,
B & G

The Second Step

Last night, I took the first step in reclaiming my life and my dignity. After years of insults, mind games, and double standards, I finally realized the pattern of abuse. While I bear no physical injuries, my psyche and my soul seem damaged beyond repair. I feel old.

I awoke this morning with a new mission in life: to reclaim my life and find the happiness that my kids and I deserve. I don't know how, and I don't know when, but I WILL get there with the help of God.

After getting Cheyenne on the bus, I came in the house and made a decision to call a domestic abuse hotline. I was terrified. What if I'm blowing all of this out of proportion? What if I'm found out? Am I admitting that I've been in a second failed marriage? What will people think?

The woman I talked to listened to me cry (uncontrollably a lot of the time), tell my story, and release years of hurt. She asked me questions about the whole situation and what led up to this. Not once did I feel judged or made to feel like I did anything wrong. I didn't know that there were people out there able to listen without judgment. It was refreshing.

During the course of my phone call, I was assured that I'm worthy of love without pain. I honestly don't know if I've ever experienced such a concept. We talked, I cried. Suggestions were given, and I need to examine how to execute them.

Now, as I type this, I'm going through the self-doubt phase and wondering if I made the right decision. I'm terrified of the confrontation that I know is eventually going to come. I'm just not ready to deal with it yet. Hopefully, with time and the grace of God, I'll one day be strong enough to face it. Today, however, is not that day.

I thank everyone who has given their thoughts and prayers since last night. It's more love and support I've had in over 20 years. The sad part is that it hasn't come from someone who professes to love me soooo much. How someone can claim to love another so much yet inflict so much pain is a concept that boggles my mind.

I'll keep yinz informed as I travel down this uncertain road. I'm just thankful to God for giving me such wonderful traveling companions.

Love always,
B & G

Today is the First Day...

Today marks a new beginning for me. After years of denial about my situation, I've faced it. Now begins a new chapter in my life. How that chapter will be written is unknown and terrifying, but it's a chapter that needs to be written.

For years, I've been leading a double life. There was the life that everyone saw. Smiling, joking, and seemingly carefree, it was a facade. What no one has seen is the very dark life behind the smile. A life filled with insults, self-doubt, and fear. The pain is excruciating.

For far too long, I've ridden the emotional roller coaster not knowing how to get off of it. Now, I just have to pray that God can give me the strength and guidance to do what's best for me and my kids. I already see some behavior patterns emerging in them that I don't like. Kids mimic what they see.

When I met my husband almost 20 years ago, I never dreamed that it would come to this point. I had hopes of an idyllic life and was willing to work hard to achieve it. Now, I'm completely spent and feel numb inside. Time has taken its toll and eroded any willingness to keep fighting for respect and love.

I think back on some of the incidents that have brought me to this point. They've intensified in recent years and have finally reached the point of boiling over. I can honestly say that I should've been more aware back then, but I fell into the whole "I'm sorry" honeymoon period and trusted that he meant it. He did. Until the next time.

There were many times where I felt the only way to stop the pain was to end my life. One time, I was actually in my bedroom sitting on my bed feeling worthless and hurt after a verbal beating. Holding my .38, I prayed to God to help me. He did. My kids walked into my room to tell me the joke they were both cackling about. I thank God for that. The thought of leaving them with an abuser sickens me.

I'm not sure where this path in life is going to lead to, but I'm leaving it in God's hands. He knows best.

I thank all of my blogger friends and readers for their love and support during this trial by fire. I've been extremely blessed to have met you, and I appreciate each and every one of you. May God bless and keep you all. I'll be in touch.

Much love,
B & G

A Public Service Announcement from B & G

There's an issue lately that I'd like to spread some awareness about. While we're all aware of the travesty of battering, I'd like to take this opportunity to remind everyone that abuse isn't only physical. Emotional and verbal abuse is equally abhorrent.

Abuse in any form is uncalled for. Abusers come in all colors, ages, and economic backgrounds. Their constant need for control over any given situation is who they are and what they do. Most of the time, the behavior stems from a need to control. Emotional and verbal abuse weapons are silence, belittling, and blame.

The cycle of abuse is the same as one who beats another. Escalation, abuse, and then a honeymoon period of "I'm sorry. I had a bad day (or just have a lot of stress, etc.)." The duration of the honeymoon phase varies, but make no mistake about it. An abuser will ALWAYS come back to repeat the cycle.

No one is perfect. The victim of an abuser has flaws just by nature of being human. But no matter the flaws, that is NO EXCUSE to be put down, emotionally torn apart, or made to feel guilty. Often, an abuser will pinpoint these flaws and use them as weapons. Self-esteem suffers, and the victim is often left feeling helpless and worthless.

So what are the signs of emotional/verbal abuse? If you think you or someone you know is in an emotionally abusive relationship, here are some questions to ask.

Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?--Are you walking on eggshells for fear of triggering a tirade?

Does your partner frequently criticize you, humiliate you, or undermine your self-esteem?--Words like "stupid","disgusting", and "What's your problem?" are red flags.

Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?--Are you made to feel like your opinion makes no sense or isn't right?

Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups?--This is how the abuser maintains control. The amount of isolation varies, but it's still isolation.

Does your partner limit your access to work, money or material resources?--"We need to watch spending" while spending money like a sailor on shore leave.

Has your partner ever stolen from you? Or run up debts for you to handle?

Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close? -- Again, the roller coaster of the abusive cycle.

Have you ever felt obligated to have sex, just to avoid an argument about it?--"Don't you love me anymore?" "You must be having an affair." These are common. A lot of abusers will use these phrases to manipulate the victim into submission.

Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?--This is especially true for victims with children. They need the most support and help.

Has your partner ever thrown away your belongings, destroyed objects or threatened pets?--Your old childhood teddy bear may mean a lot to you, but the abuser sees it as trivial and worthless and won't hesitate to throw it out if they see fit.

Are you afraid of your partner?--Do you fear another argument? Do they threaten you with "what if" situations of what they'd do if you ever left? Abuse.

I hope and pray that if one victim of abuse is saved by this, that they find the happiness they truly deserve. No one deserves to be left with emotional scars that can last a lifetime.

I'm B & G, and I'm a victim of emotional and verbal abuse. There. I've said it. Now I can figure out how to heal.

Because I Trust My Readers' Opinions...

Okay, folks. B & G Fan has come to the realization of one thing: I'm not Superwoman. The stresses of life are finally starting to take a toll on me and make me feel old way beyond my years.

The bar has become a big issue of late. Working approximately 36 hours in a weekend, I've been lacking sleep during that time. Last weekend, I got a weekend total of 10 hours of sleep. At this point in time, I really don't believe I've gotten caught up yet, and I'm staring at another weekend.

The long bar hours have led to NOTHING getting done around the house. Heaven forbid that anyone else who lives here do anything to lend a hand. I got up Sunday morning to having to do two loads of laundry and taking care of the balancing game on top of the garbage can in the kitchen before I left for work. I'm not asking for all housework to be done while I'm working, but a little help would be nice.

Lack of help around the house leads to arguments between me and the hubby. Things got really ugly the other night with a lot of things being said that didn't help the situation.

To recap: long hours, lack of help with housework, and fighting between me and the hubby.

All this has led to me constantly feeling like I'm going to upchuck, stomach pain, headaches, and the inability to eat much at all. I've lost almost 15 pounds in a week (that puts me at about 135), and I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.

What I need from my readers are suggestions on how to deal with all this stress. I'm not doing well with it on my own, and objective opinions would be welcomed. My family says not to worry about it, but that's easier said than done. I know it's bad when my health starts to suffer.

Thanks in advance to everyone. I'll be interested to see what yinz can suggest to help me out.

Do You EVER Truly Get Over Your First Love?

Flying under the hubby's radar, I've started getting in touch with some old classmates on Facebook. The only reason I've had to go into stealth mode is because of the hubby's paranoia. He grew up in the mountains, so privacy is sacrosanct. I was blogging for 7 months before I told him I had a blog. I knew the reaction I'd get (and I did), but finally decided that since Obamarx wants to take away our rights at warp speed, I wasn't going to just hand over the few remaining to the husband.

After seeing a lot of people I never would've thought remembered me (I was a square peg nerd!), I saw where my very first love was a mutual friend on my best friend's page. My heart jumped damned near out of my chest.

I love my husband, and I wouldn't cheat; that's not me. But when I think about TJ, my heart skips a beat. Or two...or three....

I mulled over whether to contact him for about a week. Questions dogged me the whole time. Is he happy? Would he think that I was online searching for a fresh start? What's he been doing? Did we part enemies? We were young when we dated, but there was just something there that I never quite got over. Our last encounter left a lot of loose ends and unanswered questions. Finally, my mom convinced me to message him. I'm so glad she did.

I heard from TJ yesterday via Facebook. He told me there was something he had to say to me. I was shocked when he apologized for the way things ended. He has carried it on his conscience for over 20 years. We got to talk and clear the air, and we caught up a bit on what we've been doing since. He's married with kids and living in another state, and we caught up on family and friends. It's been wonderful.

I have regrets with the way things happened with TJ. Hopefully, we can clear the air even more now that we're older and wiser. Every time, though, my heart still jumps. Am I crazy? Is it mid-life crisis? Am I wishing for my youth and what might have been? What the hell is going on?

Maybe I made a mistake in getting in touch, but I'll be damned if it doesn't feel right. My heart aches, and waves of emotion are overwhelming me. Then I have to ask if this isn't just fantasy. I don't know. Everyone's favorite B & G Fan has thrown all common sense out the window.

I hope that I'm not the only one who gets heart palpitations when I think of my first love. I'd hate to think that age is catching up with me.

Does It Get Any Better?

This winter has just been getting better and better. Despite all the pitfalls that have come our way here in PA, we keep getting round after round of snow. Everyone here is about crazy. Noah and Cheyenne have had 7 straight days off of school (not counting the weekend), and my patience is wearing mighty thin. Add to that the fact that I worked almost 40 hours this past weekend at the bar, I slipped and fell on ice trying to get in my Honda and have spent the past 2 days flat on my back after being manhandled at the chiropractor's, and B & G is about ready to snap.

With that said, I just wanted to let everyone know that I hope to have a post up very soon. Since the kids have been off, my computers have been hijacked. The post I plan on doing isn't going to be a pleasant one, but I feel it very necessary.

Hope all is well with everyone! I miss yinz guys like crazy.

BOHICA: PA Bracing for Round Two, Possibly Three

Things here still haven't returned to normal since Friday's snowstorm. Yes, we can travel the main roads, but it's still tricky. School was canceled today and is also slated to stay closed tomorrow. My older son called to say that classes at his college have been nixed for the rest of the week. On top of all of this, we're bracing for another foot of snow tomorrow into Wednesday. Imagine the joy on my face! *snark*

As I was at Wal-Mart this evening, I grabbed the last two loaves of white bread on the shelves before running into my mother. She had just gotten off of a four-hour stretch of running a register up front. Telling her that school was canceled for tomorrow, she said that there is yet ANOTHER storm system that's being watched by forecasters and could hit over the weekend. My heart sank.

While being snowed in has its advantages (I might finally be able to catch up on things!), I honestly don't look forward to another storm. Travel this winter has been treacherous at best, and I worry about my kids' education. They need to go to school!!!!

Thankfully, we haven't lost our electricity like many in this area of the country. Should that be the catalyst to send me over the edge, I have no problem going to a hotel with the kids. The hubby can rough it since he thinks there's nothing to it.

My advice to anyone who may be anticipating this storm would be to PLEASE stay in if you can. If you absolutely can't get around traveling, take your time and be safe. My prayers are with you.

Pennsylvania Under State of Emergency

In what has become a storm to remember, we are now at a total of three feet of the white stuff within a 24-hour period. Pennsylvania has been declared a state of emergency by Governor Ed Rendell, and the outlook for the rest of the week is bleak.

It started yesterday afternoon. While the prognosticators out of Pittsburgh were calling for 5-8 inches in the mountains, they couldn't have been more wrong. When it started, it didn't stop.

I was fortunate enough to have the morning shift yesterday at the bar. I figured I'd be out at about 5 p.m., enough time to still safely make it home. WRONG! The evening bartender called off, so guess who was stuck working. That's right....everyone's favorite B & G fan.

As the snow fell and my energy levels plummeted, the decision to close the bar early fell into my hands. Still, people decided they absolutely HAD to have a beer, so I chased them out ASAP and closed down. It was about 11:20 p.m. by the time I got done with all of my post-closing duties. Still, I didn't worry. I have a Honda CRV with all-wheel drive. No worries, eh?

What usually takes 10-15 minutes under clear conditions took me over 45 minutes. The hubby had called and said to go to his mom and dad's to await his call letting me know that the driveway was passable. Cars and trucks littered the roads the entire way home. Living near a ski resort, I'm used to seeing people who can't drive in the snow, but nothing of this magnitude. Even the most seasoned winter driver was going to have difficulty.

I arrive at my in-laws' house shortly after midnight. Psychotic from lack of sleep, I'm cranky, hadn't showered or brushed my teeth since leaving the house before work, and I had a bad headache. I tried to park my car and wait for the phone call announcing a clear driveway at home. Notice I said TRIED.

Getting my Honda stuck, I decide to do the unthinkable: wake my in-laws to let me in. I trudge through almost two feet of snow and get to the door. No one answers the doorbell, so I pull out my dying cell phone and call inside. My father-in-law comes down and opens the door.

Going upstairs, I place a call to the hubby.

"I'm at your parents'. I'm so tired I could cry, so screw plowing tonight. I'm getting a blanket and sleeping on their couch. Do not call and wake me in the morning; I'll call YOU. Love you, good night, and kiss the kids for me in the morning."

This morning, the decision to keep the bar closed came from my cousin. After hearing "state of emergency", I think that was a safe bet. Honestly, I REALLY hope we just keep it closed tomorrow. PennDOT is recommending people stay off the roads for at least 24 more hours.

Monday will be the day I go to Wal-Mart to stock up as Tuesday through Friday they are calling for another storm system to move in, dumping at least 4 to 5 inches on Tuesday. Bitter cold temps and drifting snow will also make things nasty.

I pray that everyone stays safe and warm. Please don't take chances if you don't have to. Masses have been cancelled for tomorrow with the bishop giving special dispensation. I figure if God had wanted me in church tomorrow, He would've stopped the snow at 3 inches.

Right now, Al Gore and Punxsutawney Phil are at the top of the B & G Shit List.

(Note: The photo is of the half pipe snowboard course at Seven Springs Resort, a ski resort near my home.)

Happy Birthday!!!!

I'm a day early on this, but with a busy work weekend ahead, I decided to do this today. If I don't, it'll be late, and I can't have that.

On February 6, 1911, a bouncing baby boy entered the world. Though not much fanfare was made early on, he went on to do great things. He became an actor, a governor, and, most importantly, a great President. Ronald Reagan went on to change the political landscape of this country and the world like none before him and none since. Happy Birthday, Dutch!

On February 6, 1966, another baby boy entered the world. Though he has led a humble, simple life, he has produced a fine family with his beautiful, intelligent wife (:-D). Hard-working and smart, he has left a footprint in this world like no other. Happy Birthday, Hubby!

On February 6, 1995, yet another baby boy was born. Weighing in at 8 pounds 7 ounces, this baby boy has grown into a young man. With a lust for life and big dreams, he has overcome what some would call a disability. I call it a challenge, but not an insurmountable one. He's definitely his mother's pride and joy. Happy Birthday, Noah!!!

On this day, I usually buy two cakes to celebrate two birthdays. I hope the hubby wasn't counting on getting one. ;-D

Closed Today Due to Illness

After working an average of 12-14 hours a day for three days, the inevitable happened. My resistance has gone down, and I'm now suffering a severe head and chest cold. It's only the second day, so yinz know just how miserable the beginning of this can be. That being said, I'm taking the day off to go to bed and try to kick this ASAP. I'll moderate comments later, and I hope to have a post with some substance up tomorrow.

Much love to yinz, B & G

I Have a Dream...

In 1787, a group of brave men came forward to establish a country that has never been equaled in the history of the world. Their dream is now mine and will be entrusted to my children when I am but dust in the ground.

The footsteps of the patriots will forever echo in the hearts of the freedom fighters; it is our impetus to fight for the cause of liberty. To silence those footsteps is to stop the march of freedom. We have a sacred duty to continue the march and keep the dream alive.

I have a dream.

I have a dream that all citizens of this great nation will be free. Enslaved by fear of ever-expanding government and political correctness, the shackles of those who love liberty will be broken by a return to the dreams of our forefathers.

I have a dream.

I have a dream that one day all citizens will not be judged by their ideologies. Those who espouse the principles of those who sacrificed all to establish the freest nation on the planet are often labeled as "extremists" or "right-wing terrorists." Judgment should be reserved for God to mete out.

I have a dream.

I have a dream that one day all citizens will earn the fruits of this great nation. With freedom comes great responsibility to respect one's uniqueness in this world. There are those in this society who feel entitled to the prosperity of another, and, as free human beings, we must not stand for the theft by government to give to the idle and irresponsible. The slaves of the system have defined "entitlement" for far too long. Liberty dies a slow death under these circumstances.

I have a dream.

I have a dream that one day all citizens will be employed based on their merits and not on the color of their skin. To hire based on a quota system sends the message "You aren't able to excel on your merit." Excellence knows no skin color. It is, in essence, what makes this country great.

I have a dream.

I have a dream that one day all Americans, both Liberal and Conservative, will share the same vision of limited government and personal liberty tempered with responsibility. It is the dream of our ancestors. It is what many gave their lives for.

We are on the verge of the New American Revolution, and, poised on the brink of repeating the victories our forefathers celebrated in giving birth to this great land, we have to ask ourselves whether we will join with the angels in Heaven in the song of bygone eras.

"Free at last, free at last, Thank God Almighty....free at last!"