Sunday, August 30, 2009
My former fellow Americans:
As you may have already read, I've gone on to the afterlife after that damned brain cancer got the best of me. Not that there were a lot of healthy cells left for it to eat up, but...
My stay here in Hell has been interesting to say the least. Gotta say that I got a little nervous crossing the river Styx, but Charon assured me that if I fell in he'd dive in six or seven times to try and get me out.
Did you know that you get a welcome gift upon arrival in the Underworld? Yep. SPF 30,000 sunblock. Not that it makes a difference; it doesn't make you feel any cooler. It does, however, keep you from getting freckles. Healthy skin is beautiful skin.
I've made a few friends here. Me and this other guy named Ted hit it off right away. A real ladies' man he was. I think he spent time alone with 30 or more women back in the day. He was also a law student at one time. We've got so many common experiences to share! Nasty burn on his head, though. Must have been smoking around one of Dad's stills or something. I could've taught him proper conduct around alcohol. That stuff can be dangerous.
The food here isn't too bad. This weird dude named Jeffrey has me on his special diet. I don't know what his secret is, but it tastes just like chicken. He takes it right out of the freezer and onto the stove. No salt, no pepper, and no seasonings, but DAMN is it good!
I've already gotten to meet the head honcho here. What a jagoff! He thinks he's so big and bad. Little does he know that his stories pale in comparison to mine. And that's without the media hype. I mean, did he have his own dynasty of womanizers and crooks? I bet not. I'll show him how the game's played.
Did you know that this place is overrun with Muslims? Yeah. I was shocked, too, but they're EVERYWHERE. They keep me up all frickin' night bragging about how many infidels they killed and how many women they've stoned. Cocky bastards. Bet they never implemented programs that support the killing of MILLIONS of innocent lives like I have. Now THAT'S impressive!
I hope Chris Dodd doesn't decide to open a cafe that serves those special sandwiches we liked to enjoy together. I'll haunt him until the day he dies if I don't get some of the credit. What am I saying? You can't make a sandwich with only one slice of bread! He's not that bright anyway.
Well, it's time for me to sign off for now. Tell Barack and Mahmoud they can bunk with me when they get here.
Ted "Chappaquiddick Fats" Kennedy