Sunday, August 30, 2009

Guest Post from Ted Kennedy


My former fellow Americans:

As you may have already read, I've gone on to the afterlife after that damned brain cancer got the best of me. Not that there were a lot of healthy cells left for it to eat up, but...

My stay here in Hell has been interesting to say the least. Gotta say that I got a little nervous crossing the river Styx, but Charon assured me that if I fell in he'd dive in six or seven times to try and get me out.

Did you know that you get a welcome gift upon arrival in the Underworld? Yep. SPF 30,000 sunblock. Not that it makes a difference; it doesn't make you feel any cooler. It does, however, keep you from getting freckles. Healthy skin is beautiful skin.

I've made a few friends here. Me and this other guy named Ted hit it off right away. A real ladies' man he was. I think he spent time alone with 30 or more women back in the day. He was also a law student at one time. We've got so many common experiences to share! Nasty burn on his head, though. Must have been smoking around one of Dad's stills or something. I could've taught him proper conduct around alcohol. That stuff can be dangerous.

The food here isn't too bad. This weird dude named Jeffrey has me on his special diet. I don't know what his secret is, but it tastes just like chicken. He takes it right out of the freezer and onto the stove. No salt, no pepper, and no seasonings, but DAMN is it good!

I've already gotten to meet the head honcho here. What a jagoff! He thinks he's so big and bad. Little does he know that his stories pale in comparison to mine. And that's without the media hype. I mean, did he have his own dynasty of womanizers and crooks? I bet not. I'll show him how the game's played.

Did you know that this place is overrun with Muslims? Yeah. I was shocked, too, but they're EVERYWHERE. They keep me up all frickin' night bragging about how many infidels they killed and how many women they've stoned. Cocky bastards. Bet they never implemented programs that support the killing of MILLIONS of innocent lives like I have. Now THAT'S impressive!

I hope Chris Dodd doesn't decide to open a cafe that serves those special sandwiches we liked to enjoy together. I'll haunt him until the day he dies if I don't get some of the credit. What am I saying? You can't make a sandwich with only one slice of bread! He's not that bright anyway.

Well, it's time for me to sign off for now. Tell Barack and Mahmoud they can bunk with me when they get here.

Sincerely,
Ted "Chappaquiddick Fats" Kennedy

16 comments:

Bungalow Bill said...

He can search for 13 virgins with is new buddies for a while until Dodd gets down there to fill his role. It will be a long search.

j summ said...

love the pic, but there is NO WAY ted would be seen with a gun in his hand. but wait, that's not true either. he was a liberal, so what he didn't want for me and you, he would of course reserve for himself.

blackandgoldfan said...

BB: Ted's got nothing but time, pal! :-)

blackandgoldfan said...

j: How right you are! Hypocrisy, thy name is liberalism.

WomanHonorThyself said...

hey girl..exactly right and watch the media fawn over him and his family!

blackandgoldfan said...

Hey Angel! The MSM has given nothing but high praise for Ted. Did you notice Eunice didn't get as much coverage despite the fact that she gave dignity to so many special needs folks worldwide? If any Kennedy deserved such high praise, it was her.

Steve: The Lightning Man said...

This could be the funniest shit I've read in MONTHS! BRAVO!!!! I'm ashamed and embarrassed that I didn't write it myself.

Eunice was the only really decent Kennedy, I think. Everyone praises Jack & Bobby but if the media today could have operated in their day, they woulda dug up all the dirty deals, Mob connections, and wall-to-wall ho's. Joe Jr died honorably before he could get corrupted by the father. Kathleen & Rosemary had no part of the dynasty either.

Whatever dirty deed Jack did, Bobby covered up, and then we have that whole Marylin Monroe deal...Jack was anti-Commie, but only inasmuch as he had his fingers in the Mob's running of "Cuber" and he had to at least look like an American President should.

blackandgoldfan said...

Steve: Thanks, buddy! No need for shame or embarrassment. You've come up with some pretty funny shit yourself!

The next generation of Kennedys is already living up to the name. Did you see where Caroline's daughter flipped the bird to the crowd during the funeral? Real classy!

Teresa said...

Ted's soul definitely needs prayers because of all the crimes he committed and all his immoral beliefs, which are contrary to the Catholic Church's. Satan's saving pin cushions(with a numerous amount of pins) for the rest of the lefties when they join Ted in Hell.

The Conservative Lady said...

That was great. Jeffrey and the special diet...tastes just like chicken. Made me laugh out loud.

Amusing Bunni said...

WOW, that was a very creative post.
How you been B & G, I see you're back in fine form.

The bum in in hell now, with the other murdering, treasonist demons. I hope he enjoys it, he'll be there for a long time, like ETERNITY! bwhhhahhhha

blackandgoldfan said...

Teresa: I wonder how much he paid to be able to take the eucharist!

blackandgoldfan said...

Con Lady: I actually laughed out loud when I thought of it!

blackandgoldfan said...

My BOF bunni: I'm doing better. Still a little crampy, but that's normal and NOTHING like what I had! Fine form? That's debatable! lol

Ol' Uncle Teddy is going to wish he hadn't been such a turd in this life.

((((hugs to you and troops))))

Dr. Dave said...

Nicely don, blackandgoldfan. Wish I'd been here sooner; I had a similar take on Kennedy's passing into the afterlife, but didn't get it finished until today. My most sincere apologies.

blackandgoldfan said...

No apologies necessary, Dr. Dave. I just read your afterlife post. I LOVED IT!!!