Thursday, February 18, 2010

Do You EVER Truly Get Over Your First Love?



Flying under the hubby's radar, I've started getting in touch with some old classmates on Facebook. The only reason I've had to go into stealth mode is because of the hubby's paranoia. He grew up in the mountains, so privacy is sacrosanct. I was blogging for 7 months before I told him I had a blog. I knew the reaction I'd get (and I did), but finally decided that since Obamarx wants to take away our rights at warp speed, I wasn't going to just hand over the few remaining to the husband.

After seeing a lot of people I never would've thought remembered me (I was a square peg nerd!), I saw where my very first love was a mutual friend on my best friend's page. My heart jumped damned near out of my chest.

I love my husband, and I wouldn't cheat; that's not me. But when I think about TJ, my heart skips a beat. Or two...or three....

I mulled over whether to contact him for about a week. Questions dogged me the whole time. Is he happy? Would he think that I was online searching for a fresh start? What's he been doing? Did we part enemies? We were young when we dated, but there was just something there that I never quite got over. Our last encounter left a lot of loose ends and unanswered questions. Finally, my mom convinced me to message him. I'm so glad she did.

I heard from TJ yesterday via Facebook. He told me there was something he had to say to me. I was shocked when he apologized for the way things ended. He has carried it on his conscience for over 20 years. We got to talk and clear the air, and we caught up a bit on what we've been doing since. He's married with kids and living in another state, and we caught up on family and friends. It's been wonderful.

I have regrets with the way things happened with TJ. Hopefully, we can clear the air even more now that we're older and wiser. Every time, though, my heart still jumps. Am I crazy? Is it mid-life crisis? Am I wishing for my youth and what might have been? What the hell is going on?

Maybe I made a mistake in getting in touch, but I'll be damned if it doesn't feel right. My heart aches, and waves of emotion are overwhelming me. Then I have to ask if this isn't just fantasy. I don't know. Everyone's favorite B & G Fan has thrown all common sense out the window.

I hope that I'm not the only one who gets heart palpitations when I think of my first love. I'd hate to think that age is catching up with me.

10 comments:

The Right Guy said...

The problem is that one touches emotions from 20 or 30+ years ago, and at best, it's infatuation. There are reasons things didn't work out with people we used to date, and it's best to leave the dead where they are. I have found that in talking to such people and finding how their lives went, it becomes apparent why I am not with them now. For me, it's understanding what I bring to the table, and in that context, does the other person appreciate that, and cherish it. Those people in the past did not. So while they may touch on certain feelings, that is all they are is feelings that are rooted at a time when I had my up up my ass. And I take that t heart. Anyway, that's my story, and I am sticking to it.

blackandgoldfan said...

Thanks for your insight, RG. There are more issues, but I didn't feel like doing another work like 'Atlas Shrugged'.

The Right Guy said...

I am sorry if I touched on a nerve. Obviously I don't have all the information, but I did my best. Sometimes the best we can do is now, and plan for a better future. For me, going backwards has not been productive. JMO. I hope I wasn't too forward.

blackandgoldfan said...

Not at all, RG. Let's just say that things in my life have become more complicated. I value your objective opinion as a friend. ;)

Amusing Bunni said...

Uh Oh, Be careful...hee hee.

You're on FB, you wanna friend me, write me an email and I'll send you my link. I"m Amusing Bunni on there too. Read my blog for the latest HORROR!
Well, it's over now, kind of. The fun starts soon.

blackandgoldfan said...

Will do, sweetie!!!!

Snarky Basterd said...

I actually get sick to my stomach when I see the name of my first "love" (she's an ambulance chaser).

BTW ... obviously your hubby doesn't know your URL if you're posting this...

blackandgoldfan said...

Lol, SB. You are smarter than the average bear! He has no interest whatsoever in reading my blog. I think he thinks I gave it up.

What Makes Us Right said...

BG Fan,

First of all, nice to see a fellow "Stiller Fan"!

As to the post, I normally would stay away from these types of posts (I tend to stay political with my reading), but I think your post hit home to me as well as many others. We have all dealt with it in a variety of ways, as I am sure you will too. Good luck,I hope you work it out, and that hubby doesn't start blogging.

blackandgoldfan said...

WMUR: Thanks, you yinzer!!! lol

I appreciate your wishes. And you are sooo right...It WILL work out one way or another.

As for the hubby blogging...he could care less about anything other than what's on SyFy channel. He said Fox News is too depressing, so he tends to stay away from things political. Especially blogs.

Hope to see you again!