Thursday, February 18, 2010
Flying under the hubby's radar, I've started getting in touch with some old classmates on Facebook. The only reason I've had to go into stealth mode is because of the hubby's paranoia. He grew up in the mountains, so privacy is sacrosanct. I was blogging for 7 months before I told him I had a blog. I knew the reaction I'd get (and I did), but finally decided that since Obamarx wants to take away our rights at warp speed, I wasn't going to just hand over the few remaining to the husband.
After seeing a lot of people I never would've thought remembered me (I was a square peg nerd!), I saw where my very first love was a mutual friend on my best friend's page. My heart jumped damned near out of my chest.
I love my husband, and I wouldn't cheat; that's not me. But when I think about TJ, my heart skips a beat. Or two...or three....
I mulled over whether to contact him for about a week. Questions dogged me the whole time. Is he happy? Would he think that I was online searching for a fresh start? What's he been doing? Did we part enemies? We were young when we dated, but there was just something there that I never quite got over. Our last encounter left a lot of loose ends and unanswered questions. Finally, my mom convinced me to message him. I'm so glad she did.
I heard from TJ yesterday via Facebook. He told me there was something he had to say to me. I was shocked when he apologized for the way things ended. He has carried it on his conscience for over 20 years. We got to talk and clear the air, and we caught up a bit on what we've been doing since. He's married with kids and living in another state, and we caught up on family and friends. It's been wonderful.
I have regrets with the way things happened with TJ. Hopefully, we can clear the air even more now that we're older and wiser. Every time, though, my heart still jumps. Am I crazy? Is it mid-life crisis? Am I wishing for my youth and what might have been? What the hell is going on?
Maybe I made a mistake in getting in touch, but I'll be damned if it doesn't feel right. My heart aches, and waves of emotion are overwhelming me. Then I have to ask if this isn't just fantasy. I don't know. Everyone's favorite B & G Fan has thrown all common sense out the window.
I hope that I'm not the only one who gets heart palpitations when I think of my first love. I'd hate to think that age is catching up with me.