Thursday, March 4, 2010
Here it comes. After days of being sucked up to, the escalation period of the cycle has begun. I dread what I know is coming.
Over the past week or so, I've gone into shutdown mode. Emotionally and physically distancing myself, I've retreated within the confines of my own being. I guess it's some sort of defense mechanism on my part.
The escalation started last night. While chatting with a friend on Facebook (a female friend), the snide comments started.
"I guess I'm the only lonely one around here."
"Guess I'm going to have to get on the computer to talk."
Comments like these are made to do one thing: get me to feel guilty because HIS wants and needs aren't being met. From there, guilt is used to keep me in isolation from the world.
Back when I worked for a large fast-food chain, I had a very close friend whose husband was dying of brain cancer. Being his only caregiver, she suggested that her and I go to Amish country for the weekend to get away and decompress. It sounded wonderful. She needed a break, and I was hungry for a different perspective on the world. The drudgery would've been broken, and she would be able to talk openly about her situation. But it wasn't meant to be.
"Sure, you'll spend time with her, but not me. We never spend any time together, and you want to spend some free time with someone else. What about me? I'm your husband. You should want to spend time with me first." Needless to say, I didn't go.
After so many times of making excuses for not being able to go, friends quit asking. The isolation grows.
Friends haven't been the only ones who I've had to make excuses to. My family has quit asking me to do things because they don't want to piss off the husband and make my life miserable. I have done things in the past with my family, but when I have, my cell rings at least 10 times while I'm gone with the same question: When am I coming home? With each phone call, the tone is a little more harsh. When I'd get home, the verbal assault would begin. And the cycle would start all over again.
I have a knot in my stomach as I type this because I know what's coming. It's like watching a train wreck, and you can't do anything to stop it. Hope seems rare on days like today.
I just pray to God that He gives me the strength to weather the storm looming on the horizon.