Friday, March 19, 2010

One Last Try

I know I've been away for a while (entirely too long for me), but, as many of you know, I've been dealing with some personal issues here on the homefront. It hasn't been easy, and things have taken an even more hideous turn in the past day or two.

For some reason, I've become emboldened in my quest for happiness of late. I don't know whether it's been the support of all yinz or the grace of God, but I've actually had the wherewithal to just be honest about my feelings and my take on the situation. Until last night, the hubby's reaction was one of disbelief mixed with a sense of frustration over not being able to make it right in an instant. I kindly explained that it didn't come to this overnight, so it wasn't going to get fixed overnight. He seemed to understand when I said I need to deal with some things in my own time and space. Then, last night happened.

We went to get a bite to eat before stopping by Wal-Mart to get a few items. It was just him, me, and Cheyenne. During the course of the meal, he started prodding me to talk about things. I didn't feel that it was appropriate to have Cheyenne witness all of the potential ugliness, but he kept pushing and pushing and pushing..... It ended up as a screaming match in the dining room and Cheyenne hysterically screaming "Daddy, you let Mommy alone!" Very ugly.

This morning, he didn't go to work because he said he felt sick. I can understand that. Been there in my first marriage and reliving it in my second. He once again starts digging for answers. Not getting anywhere, I decided to go to the mall and clear my head for a while. I didn't hide where I was going and said I'd return in a short while. Upon arriving home, he up and leaves for wherever saying things along the line of he can't believe I don't want to work things out. On the contrary, we're to attend our first counseling session on Monday. If I didn't care, I would've just left with the kids.

When he got home, we decided to take the kids to the local McD's for dinner and some time out. In the middle of eating, he starts again. I left there in tears. Stopping at the bar, I put my notice in. I know it's caving into him, but at this point it's standing on principle or my sanity. My kids need a sane mom.

He calls before I got home (we had taken two cars) and says that he's spending the weekend at his parents' house. He can't deal with being in the same house and feeling like he can't get near me or talk to me, so he's gone for the weekend.

I think the larger problem is that lately I haven't reacted to his pressure the way I normally did. I'm stronger now. Before, I would've done anything just to keep the peace and not rock the boat. Now, I feel like I'm in the last lap at Daytona. I'm hellbent on getting the issues resolved one way or the other, whether that means we fix our relationship or part ways. Either way, I know there is peace ahead.

Thanks to everyone who has been here to give me your loving thoughts and prayers. YOU are part of the reason I'm getting through this. It touches me deeply. I now know that there are people out there who care and that I'm someone worthy of that kind of love. Yinz are my angels.

I'll let you know how Monday pans out. Until then, I'll be thanking God for all of you.

All my love,
B & G


Teresa said...

I am so sorry that you are going through marital troubles. I have been and will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I do believe that God will give you strength to solve this issue one way or another.

If you ever need a shoulder to lean on or another ear to listen, I am here for you, girl. God Bless!

blackandgoldfan said...

Thanks, Teresa. It's not going to be easy facing everything, but it's something I can do knowing that I've got people like you to help me deal with this. I love all of you for it.

The Right Guy said...

Keep in touch and if you need anything, let us know. As bad as it seems it will get better, no matter what.

blackandgoldfan said...

I appreciate it, RG. With yinz as my angels, I have faith that regardless of the outcome, I'll come through this standing. That's a huge comfort.

Amusing Bunni said...

Hi Sweetie:
I'm sorry you are going thru this too.
I think you are doing exactly what God
wants you to do....he is giving you strength
and sending you friends to help you.
Contact me when you want to talk.
Have a great relaxing weekend without
him around. God Bless!

blackandgoldfan said...

Thanks, BOF. I don't know about relaxing. Supposed to go to work tomorrow night. Gonna be a busy one. At least I have minimal crap to deal with here. ((((hugs))))

The Conservative Lady said...

Prayers are still coming your way. Be strong and take care of yourself.

blackandgoldfan said...

TCL: It is very much appreciated, dear. Right now, my focus is my kids and getting myself to a point where I can be okay with whatever happens. Scared? Yep. Am I going to get through this a better person either way? Yep. I can live with that.

Howlsatmoon said...

This too shall pass. I started my silly little blog in August of 07, right after moving out of the house after twenty years.....seeking reconciliation.

Didn't work out.

But then, it did work out, just in ways that I hadn't expected.

I sometimes revisit those old posts to see if I recognize that Man who was so wounded.

I'm SO glad to hear that you are "trying" to keep it going.

G-d Bless