We all know about the life of Jesus. God in human form, He came to save mankind from sin and give humanity something much greater to look forward to with no strings attached. The only request made of us mere mortals is to believe and live righteously. No greater gift was ever bestowed on man.
During a moment of reflection on all the wondrous gifts God has given us, I began to wonder. What if Jesus had lived in a world run by the liberals?
From the moment of the Immaculate Conception, Blessed Mother would've been besieged by Planned Parenthood with information on her "choices" over her body. "If it's going to infringe on your career, we have ways of ridding you of that mass of unviable tissue. And you don't have to tell your husband about it."
"No room at the inn" would've ignited squeals from HUD. The innkeeper would've been forced to give the Holy Family his own private quarters after being slapped with a discrimination suit for unfair housing practices. The IRS would then call for an audit of the innkeeper's books in retaliation.
Giving birth in a stable would've caused PETA to get their knickers in a twist. What about the animals who call that stable home? PETA would be filing for an emergency injunction from the SCOTUS preventing Mary from upsetting the natural habitat of the endangered Manger Chinchbug.
Shortly after giving birth, Mary and Joseph would receive information on all the programs they could qualify for. Applications for WIC, food stamps, and medical assistance would be given out by those looking to make another family dependent on the government.
Young Jesus would not have been able to learn the carpentry trade from Joseph without first going through an apprenticeship provided by the carpenter's union. If Joseph decided to defy union orders and teach his son the trade, you can bet he'd be blackballed by the United Brotherhood of Carpenters.
Jesus would face many issues in gathering his disciples. La Raza, NAACP, and NOW would all have Him under a microscope to ensure a diverse following. Failure to comply would prompt numerous discrimination lawsuits.
In performing His first miracle at the wedding in Cana, Jesus would've been approached by representatives from the BATF and Liquor Control Board, both of whom were guests at the ceremony. "Do you have a license to change that water to wine?" MADD would immediately sue Jesus for liability in any deaths that should occur following the reception.
Healing the leper and the blind man would've been a major problem. The Bar Association would've dragged Christ into court for practicing medicine without a license. Adherence to FDA guidelines would be thoroughly investigated and turned over to the proper authorities.
In his final hours, Jesus would once again face persecution. His last feast with His disciples would have to be approved as culturally-appropriate. No trans fats, no sugar, and no artificial coloring would be allowed to pass through the lips of those partaking in the meal. Wine would only be served if the guests provided proper identification of age. Serving minors alcohol would take priority over the impending death of the true Messiah.
After his betrayal, CNN, MSNBC, ABC, and CBS would all be clamoring for the exclusive first interview with Judas Iscariot, the man who exposed someone as "intolerant" and "non-inclusive" as Jesus. Oliver Stone would appear with Judas on Oprah, Keith Olbermann, and Leno to promote their new movie about the life of the one person who brought down a Savior.
The Sierra Club would be wailing and rending their garments during the preparation for Jesus' crucifixion. Not because of the fact that the son of God and the son of Man was soon to be put to death, but because trees were cut down. "Couldn't a more eco-friendly product be used to construct the cross? This is deforestation!"
In the end, Jesus would still be crucified. Tears would flow from those who love Him, and cheering would be heard from those who saw this event as an end to tyranny. I mean, how DARE He ask people to believe only in God the Father?
Upon seeing the rock rolled back at the tomb, Mary Magdelene and Blessed Mother would enter the opening in the hillside to find Jesus' burial garments and a letter.
"Dear Madam: While we send our condolences on the loss of your son, this letter is to inform you that you will receive an invoice within the next ten (10) days for payment of estate taxes. Failure to remit said taxes is a violation of Federal law. -- Sincerely, The Internal Revenue Service."
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