Monday, November 30, 2009

Wabbit Season! Buck Season!

Today, my husband and younger son are out in the woods as I type this foraging for food in the form of a nice juicy deer. It's a day that millions of hunters across the state of Pennsylvania wait for all year in the hope of snagging the Holy Grail of antlered deer. However, there are some pitfalls along the way.

Saturday afternoon, the two testosterone-toting members of this household went out scouting in preparation for today. Always keeping safety in mind, they donned their orange and grabbed a can of doe urine in hopes of duping horny bucks into thinking they could get a little doe in the area they wanted to hunt. This should have been my first clue that something terrible was about to happen.

I did the bare minimum around the house while they were out as I had to go to work Saturday night. The bar had a popular local band slated, so I knew I'd need all the energy I could get that night.

Around three that afternoon, my two Nuge wannabes return home from their scouting expedition. Before I could ask whether they had seen anything, I was hit with the overpowering smell of buck lure.

For those of you who may not know, buck lure is pure doe urine. It has a very unique scent that makes the scent of a skunk smell like roses, and it does not wash off. You have to wait for it to wear off.

Launching into a rant about the smell, I start getting sketchy details from the boy. According to the child dubbed "The Informer," he and dad found an area chock full of buck rubs and scrapes. Liking the area they found, they decided to spray buck lure around the area to attract buck and get them to come back on the first day of legal hunting. Dad uncaps the buck lure and begins to spray the area.

Evidently, according to the story they concocted together, the nozzle on the can stuck open and they wound up getting the putrid smell on their clothes and hands. The question I had was "How did it get on your clothes?" Me thinks this isn't the way it went down. I mean, if the nozzle truly did stick open, what does it matter if they were spraying the ground and trees? I think there was a little male stupidity in play.

I told the husband that the smell better be gone by the time I got home that night or he and the boy could pack their bags and stay at the in-laws' house. I didn't care if they used a whole case of air freshener and had to burn every candle in the house to get rid of it, but it better be gone. So it was said, and so it was done. I think they feared me.

This morning, they got up at an ungodly hour to be in the woods while it was still dark. Now, I'm not the kind of wife that gets up and cooks a seven-course breakfast to send them off. Let them go to McDonald's.

Noah yells down the hallway to his dad about his hunting overalls. Hubby yells back down the hallway "BE QUIET! YOUR MOTHER'S SLEEPING!" I swear the two of them don't have two brain cells to rub together to start a fire sometimes. Thankfully, I was tired enough that I immediately fell back asleep when I heard the car leave.

I haven't gotten any word yet on their progress. It's a foggy day here, and the snow is starting. I really don't think they'll be stupid enough to try and discharge a rifle in heavy fog.

Then again, I could be very wrong.


Bungalow Bill said...

I know the scent of buck lure very well. It's the perfect revenge fluid for dumping in a car of someone who has done you very wrong.

When I was a freshman in college, I sold a car stereo to someone I thought was a friend. I should have collected before I installed. He didn't have the money. He told me he would pay me on his pay day. He didn't, but his girlfriend worried about him gave me half of what he owed. I told him I was coming back in two weeks to get the rest of it. I got more excuses.

I tried to go to his house to get the money, and his brother came out and told me to get off their land or he was calling the Sheriff. I complied.

Shortly after that, I started getting phone calls from gay men wanting head. I would get mad and hang up. Then I decided I would find out where they got my number. I then went to the place, and in the handwriting of the guy I sold the stereo too was an advertisement that I gave good blow jobs. Well, that simply wasn't the case, so I crossed it out. I thought about putting his name up there but figured that would only make things worse.

The calls stopped for a few weeks, and then they started again. I didn't get mad. I just asked where they got my number. This time it was on my college campus. I went and crossed it out.

I was on my way to see my girlfriend at Mizzou, when I was contacted by my school. They were pressing charges against me for obscene material on school property and vandalism. I had to meet with the dean to clear my name, which I did. He wanted me to turn in the person who did it. I refused. I had a better plan.

I went to Bass Pro and got Buck lure. I got three bottles, and I poured it into his cracked windows of his car on campus. I never got another call.

j summ said...

bill must have been realllly pissed, a little of that stuff goes a long way. while never present when some gets put into a car, i have seen tha aftermath and damn near choked to death trying to stifle my laughs.
then i was wrongly accused of being the perp!! shameful.

B&G, i detect an undercurrent of anti-hunter ire from you. since the beginning of time, domestic servants have gotten up to feed the hunters. how do you expect the alpha male to communicate with the pup, text messages?

no venison for you!! i'll be sure to keep the car windows up in case you decide to try bill's method of getting even.

blackandgoldfan said...

BB: OMG!!! That was hysterical! I just hope it was the middle of summer when you did it.

blackandgoldfan said...

jsumm: No anti-hunter here, buddy. In fact, at some time during their return to work and school, I'll be going out in search of a doe-crazed buck myself.

And you did NOT call me a "domestic servant!" Wait until I tell your wife what you REALLY think of us! lol

Alpha male and pup can communicate the way men and sons have for years: a series of farts and belches.

j summett said...

B&G- Wife was punching him in the arm as he typed "domestic servants". I assure you he is all bravado. Hunting mornings finds his butt in the drive-thru at The Golden Arches, also.

blackandgoldfan said...

jsummett: Glad to know. Seems like men usually are a lot of hot air! lol