Thursday, February 25, 2010

Today is the First Day...

Today marks a new beginning for me. After years of denial about my situation, I've faced it. Now begins a new chapter in my life. How that chapter will be written is unknown and terrifying, but it's a chapter that needs to be written.

For years, I've been leading a double life. There was the life that everyone saw. Smiling, joking, and seemingly carefree, it was a facade. What no one has seen is the very dark life behind the smile. A life filled with insults, self-doubt, and fear. The pain is excruciating.

For far too long, I've ridden the emotional roller coaster not knowing how to get off of it. Now, I just have to pray that God can give me the strength and guidance to do what's best for me and my kids. I already see some behavior patterns emerging in them that I don't like. Kids mimic what they see.

When I met my husband almost 20 years ago, I never dreamed that it would come to this point. I had hopes of an idyllic life and was willing to work hard to achieve it. Now, I'm completely spent and feel numb inside. Time has taken its toll and eroded any willingness to keep fighting for respect and love.

I think back on some of the incidents that have brought me to this point. They've intensified in recent years and have finally reached the point of boiling over. I can honestly say that I should've been more aware back then, but I fell into the whole "I'm sorry" honeymoon period and trusted that he meant it. He did. Until the next time.

There were many times where I felt the only way to stop the pain was to end my life. One time, I was actually in my bedroom sitting on my bed feeling worthless and hurt after a verbal beating. Holding my .38, I prayed to God to help me. He did. My kids walked into my room to tell me the joke they were both cackling about. I thank God for that. The thought of leaving them with an abuser sickens me.

I'm not sure where this path in life is going to lead to, but I'm leaving it in God's hands. He knows best.

I thank all of my blogger friends and readers for their love and support during this trial by fire. I've been extremely blessed to have met you, and I appreciate each and every one of you. May God bless and keep you all. I'll be in touch.

Much love,
B & G


Ran said...

Hurts reading, but thanks for your courage.

I'll assume that there's community support in your Parish. You'll certainly have the support of prayers here. Hazach u'Baruch! Strength and Blessings.

blackandgoldfan said...

Ran, my angel: I'm going to research what to do next. I'm trying to find some resources to give me unbiased opinions and advice. I'm hurting so bad right now... I fear for the way things are going to play out. If he just physically beat the hell out of me, I'd probably be able to deal with that better, but I know it's not going to be pretty.

Thanks for your blessings. Please continue to pray that God gives me strength and guidance.

Shalom, my friend.

PersonalFailure said...

We've had our differences, to be sure, but please get help, bngfan. Nobody deserves to be abused, and the damage done by emotional and verbal abuse is just as bad as that done by physical abuse. You deserve better, and so do your children.

My father was that way. I haven't seen him in 10 years, but I don't think the scars are ever going away.

blackandgoldfan said...

PF: Thank you. I just have to figure out how. It's gonna be a long, hard road, but I think the end of it will be good.

bluepitbull said...

I can tell you as someone who continues to go through this with an ex-wife, that it is not an easy process. Some people are hell bent on mentally kicking the crap out of you for the rest of your life.

If you ever want to hear some horror stories, let me know, because until I washed my hands of the whole situation, I didn't have a single day of peace.

Good luck whichever way your path leads.

blackandgoldfan said...

Thanks, blue. I'm so sorry that you went through that. I hope that people realize that the victims aren't always women. I'll pray for your continued recovery and appreciate your kind words.

Howlsatmoon said...

Well, isn't that a fine kettle of fish. Seldom do I comment, but my heart just went *snap* for you.

Been there done that, from the male ADD perspective. X would say some absolutely beastly thing, I'd start to respond, and ....Oooh, something Shiny.

My life before I started fixing it was a lot like the dogs in "Up"...."Squirrel!!"

I started my Blog a few years ago when I moved out of the Family home....I understand the pain.

Good luck, I'm sure you'll have a miracle like I did.

Adding you to the prayers.

William said...

"I hope that people realize that the victims aren't always women."

Thanks for recognizing this, Denise. While I would never make light of your situation, it is often more difficult for men in this position. What do you do when you're 6'4" 220 lb who is physically very powerful, but a nice guy with traditional manners and a lifetime reputation for being fair? Double standards are thrown at men like this from both sides; male and female. Fortunately, there is a proliferation, albeit slow progress of groups who clearly see the need to bring the deplorable act of abuse to the light of society. [Thanks for mentioning this, Bluepitbull.]

In the meantime, Denise, you took the right step by calling a hotline. The fact that you were able to make the call speaks for your reserve of strength for not only yourself, but your children as well. Fortunately you connected with someone who listens intently and understands your problem, and can help guide you to objectively understand what is happening, and take the right steps toward stopping this plague called abuse.

The right and moral thing for anyone to do is support you through this. But having gone through the same (and worse) there is nothing like a person who has been there to keep you in thoughts and prayers. Thank God you have a place to go to for help. I didn't, and it took years and years... and more years to work through it.

You ARE in my thoughts and prayers. Besides, we need you to give those damn leftists hell! ;)


Amusing Bunni said...

Hi Denise! I'm very sad to be reading how awful you really feel. I'm very proud of you for recognizing you can't go on like this, and you took the step of calling a hotline. Don't forget you have lots of friends you can call. Please call me anytime you feel like talking. I'm having some problems w/ the no job thing now, but your predicament is much more serious and I am praying for you and would love to help you however I can. God Bless You, I know you'll come out SO much better after this is over.