Thursday, February 25, 2010

The Second Step

Last night, I took the first step in reclaiming my life and my dignity. After years of insults, mind games, and double standards, I finally realized the pattern of abuse. While I bear no physical injuries, my psyche and my soul seem damaged beyond repair. I feel old.

I awoke this morning with a new mission in life: to reclaim my life and find the happiness that my kids and I deserve. I don't know how, and I don't know when, but I WILL get there with the help of God.

After getting Cheyenne on the bus, I came in the house and made a decision to call a domestic abuse hotline. I was terrified. What if I'm blowing all of this out of proportion? What if I'm found out? Am I admitting that I've been in a second failed marriage? What will people think?

The woman I talked to listened to me cry (uncontrollably a lot of the time), tell my story, and release years of hurt. She asked me questions about the whole situation and what led up to this. Not once did I feel judged or made to feel like I did anything wrong. I didn't know that there were people out there able to listen without judgment. It was refreshing.

During the course of my phone call, I was assured that I'm worthy of love without pain. I honestly don't know if I've ever experienced such a concept. We talked, I cried. Suggestions were given, and I need to examine how to execute them.

Now, as I type this, I'm going through the self-doubt phase and wondering if I made the right decision. I'm terrified of the confrontation that I know is eventually going to come. I'm just not ready to deal with it yet. Hopefully, with time and the grace of God, I'll one day be strong enough to face it. Today, however, is not that day.

I thank everyone who has given their thoughts and prayers since last night. It's more love and support I've had in over 20 years. The sad part is that it hasn't come from someone who professes to love me soooo much. How someone can claim to love another so much yet inflict so much pain is a concept that boggles my mind.

I'll keep yinz informed as I travel down this uncertain road. I'm just thankful to God for giving me such wonderful traveling companions.

Love always,
B & G


Bungalow Bill said...

I will be praying for you my friend.

blackandgoldfan said...

Thanks, BB. I'm going to need all I can get.

Howlsatmoon said...

.....AND, get a Lawyer, stat.

The Conservative Lady said...

I'm happy to hear you took some action today. It's a good "second" step. You'll remain on my prayer list.

blackandgoldfan said...

Wolff: That's great advice, but I need to very carefully follow a game plan in order to come out of this ahead. I'm sure that that will eventually be one of things I do, but just not now. Take care, pal!

blackandgoldfan said...

TCL: Thanks, hon. I've been praying like never before lately. I know that it's the one thing I can do that ISN'T wrong or my fault.

Amusing Bunni said...

You are in my prayers and thoughts Denise...lot's of good brave vibes are being sent your way.

Be sure to start setting up a "safe house" kind of situation, get ALL YOUR important papers out of there and with someone you trust. Don't let him think anything is going in YET.....get all your ducks in a row and don't say anything.