Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The Chicago Olympics

Dear Leader and Mobama are set to go to Denmark to push for the 2016 Olympics to be held in Chicago. While we're all familiar with most of the Olympic events, I thought I'd add a few events to be included should Chitown get the bid.

  • The Roland Burris Musical Chairs Event -- This event involves paying for a Senate seat, so the athlete with the most money wins. Look for an oil-producing country to win the gold.
  • The Chicago Deep Dish Pizza Eating Contest -- Italy wins this one. Should the Italian team be bested by another country, the winning athletes get fitted for cement shoes.
  • The William Ayres Bomb Building Competition -- Contestants will get a chance to build a bomb and detonate it at Chicago Police Headquarters. The winner will be determined by whether they feel they've done enough. Place your money on Iran to win this event.
  • The Richard Daley Mayoral Run -- Athletes will be allowed to run through the streets of Chicago to see who can garner the most amount of bribes. The athlete with the highest amount of cash and assets takes the gold.
  • The Chicago Cubs Baseball Event -- While all athletes will get close to winning a medal, they won't pull it off.
  • The Barack Obama/Tony Rezko Real Estate Event -- Competitors will get to wheel and deal throughout the city to see how many properties they can scam out of the owners. The athlete with the lowest assessed property value at the end of the competition will be declared the winner.
  • The O'Hare Airplane Dodge -- Players will get the opportunity to play "chicken" with 747's during the business rush at O'Hare. The last one left standing is declared the gold medalist.
  • The ACORN Voter Drive -- All athletes will register to vote without having to prove eligibility. The competition will be to see who can vote the most number of times in as many voting booths as possible throughout the city. All votes will be counted.
  • The Altgeld Gardens Food Stamp Race -- Contestants will start on the roof of Altgeld Gardens with a month's supply of food stamps and wind their way down all floors to the bottom. Elevators will not be in use. The player with the most amount of food stamps left when they reach the bottom is declared the winner. Should all contestants die before making it to the bottom, the athlete found dead on the lowest level will win a posthumous gold medal.
This would make the Olympics so much more fun to watch, eh?

UPDATE: Thanks to my BOF, bunni, for giving me some info. The Altgeld Gardens race was originally The Cabrini Green Race. She told me Cabrini is no longer there. Thanks, hon!


Amusing Bunni said...

Hi B & G! That was a funny post. Although My police friends will not like the police station reference, I'd rather see it held somewhere else, in Hyde Park perhaps ;-)

Also, they tore down cabrini some time ago, have that race in altgeld gardens or somewhere (if that's still around) They are tearing down the welfare high-rises and now the cockroaches are scattering in all the neighborhoods, hence the HUGE rise in street crime.

I think an event will be gang banger drive by street shootings, rack up points for each hit.
And, school thug beat downs...how long does it take to kill honor students you don't like, after school. This city sucks there should be NO OLYMPICS HERE!

blackandgoldfan said...

BOF: I like your ideas! Maybe a Southside Crack Competition?

The only reason I mentioned the police station is because Ayres and his ilk bombed a NYPD station. I would hope that the police realize how much I respect and admire the tough job they do.

Have a great one!

Amusing Bunni said...

Hi Again!
Off the the hell hole, Just wanted to say I love your new page wallpaper. It's really like fall weather here now, Thanks for the hat tip. The real estate around here, with all the dirty back room deals, changes hands faster than a crack pipe at an obugger rally.

Check out my latest post...cute video, but also scary stuff.

blackandgoldfan said...

Headed over right now! Hope they're not too hard on ya today!

Teresa said...

Wonderful Post!! Hilarious!
This sounds about right for Chicago, Chicago-style olymipics. I love your new Fall look on your blog.

BTW-Hope you check out my The Cowby Way blog post.

j summ said...

you forgot the chicago typewriter seizure event. thats what they called the thompson submachine gun in the twenties and thirties. this will be where the host nations citizen's guns are seized.

blackandgoldfan said...

Teresa: Thanks, hon! It's definitely fall early here in the mts.

I will check that post out very soon!

blackandgoldfan said...

jsumm: Thanks for the input. Of course, they'll only seize the guns of law-abiding citizens in that event. I'd bet Britain would win that competition.

The Keeper Of Odd Knowledge (KOOK) said...

Flippin awesome!

blackandgoldfan said...

Thanks, KOOK! Thought you might like!

Steve: The Lightning Man said...

Lest we forget the U-Tube Teenaged Beatdown Event. Sadly, there are no winners.

blackandgoldfan said...

Steve: That was just the opening ceremony. Unfortunately, it seems to be rehearsed every day.

Andrew33 said...

I suggest a heroin overdose contest. Who can kill themselves the fastest shooting up. Line up an ounce of H, a foot of shoestring, a spoon, and lighter for every contestant and let them go. EKG each contestant. Scoring is based on time to prep, amount used and time to flatline.

blackandgoldfan said...

Andrew: LOL!!! That's great! Thanks for making me smile on what's turning out to be a stressful evening. :-D

Andrew33 said...

Here's another one: Chicago had an honor student killed today in gang violence. Now there's only one honor student left. Will they do anything to protect their last one?

blackandgoldfan said...

Andrew: Only if they can sing the "Obama" song.

Dr. Dave said...

Excellent Chicago specifics, B&G. I hereby decree you an advanced degree in snark.

blackandgoldfan said...

Dr. Dave: I am most humbled. I've learned from the best!!!

*now doing a happy dance*