The Chicago Olympics

Dear Leader and Mobama are set to go to Denmark to push for the 2016 Olympics to be held in Chicago. While we're all familiar with most of the Olympic events, I thought I'd add a few events to be included should Chitown get the bid.

• The Roland Burris Musical Chairs Event -- This event involves paying for a Senate seat, so the athlete with the most money wins. Look for an oil-producing country to win the gold.
• The Chicago Deep Dish Pizza Eating Contest -- Italy wins this one. Should the Italian team be bested by another country, the winning athletes get fitted for cement shoes.
• The William Ayres Bomb Building Competition -- Contestants will get a chance to build a bomb and detonate it at Chicago Police Headquarters. The winner will be determined by whether they feel they've done enough. Place your money on Iran to win this event.
  
• The Richard Daley Mayoral Run -- Athletes will be allowed to run through the streets of Chicago to see who can garner the most amount of bribes. The athlete with the highest amount of cash and assets takes the gold.
• The Chicago Cubs Baseball Event -- While all athletes will get close to winning a medal, they won't pull it off.
• The Barack Obama/Tony Rezko Real Estate Event -- Competitors will get to wheel and deal throughout the city to see how many properties they can scam out of the owners. The athlete with the lowest assessed property value at the end of the competition will be declared the winner.
• The O'Hare Airplane Dodge -- Players will get the opportunity to play "chicken" with 747's during the business rush at O'Hare. The last one left standing is declared the gold medalist.
• The ACORN Voter Drive -- All athletes will register to vote without having to prove eligibility. The competition will be to see who can vote the most number of times in as many voting booths as possible throughout the city. All votes will be counted.
  
• The Altgeld Gardens Food Stamp Race -- Contestants will start on the roof of Altgeld Gardens with a month's supply of food stamps and wind their way down all floors to the bottom. Elevators will not be in use. The player with the most amount of food stamps left when they reach the bottom is declared the winner. Should all contestants die before making it to the bottom, the athlete found dead on the lowest level will win a posthumous gold medal.

This would make the Olympics so much more fun to watch, eh?

UPDATE: Thanks to my BOF, bunni, for giving me some info. The Altgeld Gardens race was originally The Cabrini Green Race. She told me Cabrini is no longer there. Thanks, hon!