I'm now right smack dab in the middle of the honeymoon phase of the abuse cycle. While I have shut down and become an emotional mess, the hubby does nothing but express his undying concern for my well being. "I'm really worried about you," he said. At this point, I seized upon an opportunity for some dialogue without tipping my hand too much.
I asked him why, if he cares so much, does he say the things he says sometimes? His answer is one of a typical abuser: "It's the way my dad reacted to things growing up." No excuse. He's a 44-year-old man capable of making his own decisions in this life and deciding to seek out help if he knows that what he's doing is wrong. He actually told me that maybe I need counseling. That was the most rational thing he's said in a long time. The attempt at making me question my sanity has emboldened me to seek out a therapist. Backfire, anyone?
"Why do I feel like all I am is added stress to you?" was the next question I asked. He told me that I really wasn't, but he's got a lot of other things going on with work. Anyone want to venture a guess as to how much I believed that load of bullsh**?
From there, the conversation went the way of a classic abuser. He proceeded to point out my flaws and the things I do to aggravate him. Like I'm not capable of recognizing my own shortcomings. It took every ounce of me to not internalize this and follow the pattern. He was fishing for a "Yeah but you..." argument, and I wasn't giving it to him.
I actually got some sleep last night. I had to rely on my Xanax to do so, but it was so refreshing to wake up feeling somewhat more stable. I'm still not eating much, but hopefully that will improve in time. Amazing what stress can do to the human body.
The sun is shining a little brighter today (what I can see through the white out), and I pray that it continues to grow a little brighter every day from this point on. I don't like the darkness.
All my love and prayers to yinz,
B & G