I'm now right smack dab in the middle of the honeymoon phase of the abuse cycle. While I have shut down and become an emotional mess, the hubby does nothing but express his undying concern for my well being. "I'm really worried about you," he said. At this point, I seized upon an opportunity for some dialogue without tipping my hand too much.
I asked him why, if he cares so much, does he say the things he says sometimes? His answer is one of a typical abuser: "It's the way my dad reacted to things growing up." No excuse. He's a 44-year-old man capable of making his own decisions in this life and deciding to seek out help if he knows that what he's doing is wrong. He actually told me that maybe I need counseling. That was the most rational thing he's said in a long time. The attempt at making me question my sanity has emboldened me to seek out a therapist. Backfire, anyone?
"Why do I feel like all I am is added stress to you?" was the next question I asked. He told me that I really wasn't, but he's got a lot of other things going on with work. Anyone want to venture a guess as to how much I believed that load of bullsh**?
From there, the conversation went the way of a classic abuser. He proceeded to point out my flaws and the things I do to aggravate him. Like I'm not capable of recognizing my own shortcomings. It took every ounce of me to not internalize this and follow the pattern. He was fishing for a "Yeah but you..." argument, and I wasn't giving it to him.
I actually got some sleep last night. I had to rely on my Xanax to do so, but it was so refreshing to wake up feeling somewhat more stable. I'm still not eating much, but hopefully that will improve in time. Amazing what stress can do to the human body.
The sun is shining a little brighter today (what I can see through the white out), and I pray that it continues to grow a little brighter every day from this point on. I don't like the darkness.
All my love and prayers to yinz,
B & G
Friday, February 26, 2010
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6 comments:
I am so sorry that you have to put up with this crap. Hopefully, the light will continue to get brighter. You are especially in may thoughts and prayers during this turbulent time in your life.
Thanks, Teresa. If I had only known the signs early on, maybe I wouldn't be at this point in my life. Hindsight is 20/20. I vow, though, that I will die before I see the pattern continue with my kids. Mom will be the first one to tell them they're wrong if they're potential abusers and to let them know that NO ONE has the right to put them through what I've experienced. The cycle ends with me.
Wow! You're workin' this. Good. Don't let a slide-back, when it happens, get you down. You're way up the field already.
Genuine cheers!
Ran
Ran: I'm working hard to get this resolved ASAP. The longer it takes, the more of a chance of me caving in and losing all progress. I really don't want to let that happen.
I'm happy you are feeling better, keep going towards that light and don't fall for his games. You know the pattern by now, you are smart, and very strong. I think the "seeing someone" that HE suggested is a good idea and could very well backfire, big time on him! Give me a ring when you feel like talking, I can help you with this. Again, don't tip your hand, and keep working behind the scenes when he's at work to get things ready. You want to make a clean break when he least suspects it, so things don't turn ugly. Until then, keep your own council and I'll be praying for you.
Good Luck, B&G.
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