Friday Night Fluff: Garth Brooks

The Thunder Rolls (video)

Garth Brooks | MySpace Music Videos

The Honeymoon Continues....

I'm now right smack dab in the middle of the honeymoon phase of the abuse cycle. While I have shut down and become an emotional mess, the hubby does nothing but express his undying concern for my well being. "I'm really worried about you," he said. At this point, I seized upon an opportunity for some dialogue without tipping my hand too much.

I asked him why, if he cares so much, does he say the things he says sometimes? His answer is one of a typical abuser: "It's the way my dad reacted to things growing up." No excuse. He's a 44-year-old man capable of making his own decisions in this life and deciding to seek out help if he knows that what he's doing is wrong. He actually told me that maybe I need counseling. That was the most rational thing he's said in a long time. The attempt at making me question my sanity has emboldened me to seek out a therapist. Backfire, anyone?

"Why do I feel like all I am is added stress to you?" was the next question I asked. He told me that I really wasn't, but he's got a lot of other things going on with work. Anyone want to venture a guess as to how much I believed that load of bullsh**?

From there, the conversation went the way of a classic abuser. He proceeded to point out my flaws and the things I do to aggravate him. Like I'm not capable of recognizing my own shortcomings. It took every ounce of me to not internalize this and follow the pattern. He was fishing for a "Yeah but you..." argument, and I wasn't giving it to him.

I actually got some sleep last night. I had to rely on my Xanax to do so, but it was so refreshing to wake up feeling somewhat more stable. I'm still not eating much, but hopefully that will improve in time. Amazing what stress can do to the human body.

The sun is shining a little brighter today (what I can see through the white out), and I pray that it continues to grow a little brighter every day from this point on. I don't like the darkness.

All my love and prayers to yinz,
B & G

The Second Step

Last night, I took the first step in reclaiming my life and my dignity. After years of insults, mind games, and double standards, I finally realized the pattern of abuse. While I bear no physical injuries, my psyche and my soul seem damaged beyond repair. I feel old.

I awoke this morning with a new mission in life: to reclaim my life and find the happiness that my kids and I deserve. I don't know how, and I don't know when, but I WILL get there with the help of God.

After getting Cheyenne on the bus, I came in the house and made a decision to call a domestic abuse hotline. I was terrified. What if I'm blowing all of this out of proportion? What if I'm found out? Am I admitting that I've been in a second failed marriage? What will people think?

The woman I talked to listened to me cry (uncontrollably a lot of the time), tell my story, and release years of hurt. She asked me questions about the whole situation and what led up to this. Not once did I feel judged or made to feel like I did anything wrong. I didn't know that there were people out there able to listen without judgment. It was refreshing.

During the course of my phone call, I was assured that I'm worthy of love without pain. I honestly don't know if I've ever experienced such a concept. We talked, I cried. Suggestions were given, and I need to examine how to execute them.

Now, as I type this, I'm going through the self-doubt phase and wondering if I made the right decision. I'm terrified of the confrontation that I know is eventually going to come. I'm just not ready to deal with it yet. Hopefully, with time and the grace of God, I'll one day be strong enough to face it. Today, however, is not that day.

I thank everyone who has given their thoughts and prayers since last night. It's more love and support I've had in over 20 years. The sad part is that it hasn't come from someone who professes to love me soooo much. How someone can claim to love another so much yet inflict so much pain is a concept that boggles my mind.

I'll keep yinz informed as I travel down this uncertain road. I'm just thankful to God for giving me such wonderful traveling companions.

Love always,
B & G

Today is the First Day...

Today marks a new beginning for me. After years of denial about my situation, I've faced it. Now begins a new chapter in my life. How that chapter will be written is unknown and terrifying, but it's a chapter that needs to be written.

For years, I've been leading a double life. There was the life that everyone saw. Smiling, joking, and seemingly carefree, it was a facade. What no one has seen is the very dark life behind the smile. A life filled with insults, self-doubt, and fear. The pain is excruciating.

For far too long, I've ridden the emotional roller coaster not knowing how to get off of it. Now, I just have to pray that God can give me the strength and guidance to do what's best for me and my kids. I already see some behavior patterns emerging in them that I don't like. Kids mimic what they see.

When I met my husband almost 20 years ago, I never dreamed that it would come to this point. I had hopes of an idyllic life and was willing to work hard to achieve it. Now, I'm completely spent and feel numb inside. Time has taken its toll and eroded any willingness to keep fighting for respect and love.

I think back on some of the incidents that have brought me to this point. They've intensified in recent years and have finally reached the point of boiling over. I can honestly say that I should've been more aware back then, but I fell into the whole "I'm sorry" honeymoon period and trusted that he meant it. He did. Until the next time.

There were many times where I felt the only way to stop the pain was to end my life. One time, I was actually in my bedroom sitting on my bed feeling worthless and hurt after a verbal beating. Holding my .38, I prayed to God to help me. He did. My kids walked into my room to tell me the joke they were both cackling about. I thank God for that. The thought of leaving them with an abuser sickens me.

I'm not sure where this path in life is going to lead to, but I'm leaving it in God's hands. He knows best.

I thank all of my blogger friends and readers for their love and support during this trial by fire. I've been extremely blessed to have met you, and I appreciate each and every one of you. May God bless and keep you all. I'll be in touch.

Much love,
B & G

A Public Service Announcement from B & G

There's an issue lately that I'd like to spread some awareness about. While we're all aware of the travesty of battering, I'd like to take this opportunity to remind everyone that abuse isn't only physical. Emotional and verbal abuse is equally abhorrent.

Abuse in any form is uncalled for. Abusers come in all colors, ages, and economic backgrounds. Their constant need for control over any given situation is who they are and what they do. Most of the time, the behavior stems from a need to control. Emotional and verbal abuse weapons are silence, belittling, and blame.

The cycle of abuse is the same as one who beats another. Escalation, abuse, and then a honeymoon period of "I'm sorry. I had a bad day (or just have a lot of stress, etc.)." The duration of the honeymoon phase varies, but make no mistake about it. An abuser will ALWAYS come back to repeat the cycle.

No one is perfect. The victim of an abuser has flaws just by nature of being human. But no matter the flaws, that is NO EXCUSE to be put down, emotionally torn apart, or made to feel guilty. Often, an abuser will pinpoint these flaws and use them as weapons. Self-esteem suffers, and the victim is often left feeling helpless and worthless.

So what are the signs of emotional/verbal abuse? If you think you or someone you know is in an emotionally abusive relationship, here are some questions to ask.

Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?--Are you walking on eggshells for fear of triggering a tirade?

Does your partner frequently criticize you, humiliate you, or undermine your self-esteem?--Words like "stupid","disgusting", and "What's your problem?" are red flags.

Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?--Are you made to feel like your opinion makes no sense or isn't right?

Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups?--This is how the abuser maintains control. The amount of isolation varies, but it's still isolation.

Does your partner limit your access to work, money or material resources?--"We need to watch spending" while spending money like a sailor on shore leave.

Has your partner ever stolen from you? Or run up debts for you to handle?

Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close? -- Again, the roller coaster of the abusive cycle.

Have you ever felt obligated to have sex, just to avoid an argument about it?--"Don't you love me anymore?" "You must be having an affair." These are common. A lot of abusers will use these phrases to manipulate the victim into submission.

Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?--This is especially true for victims with children. They need the most support and help.

Has your partner ever thrown away your belongings, destroyed objects or threatened pets?--Your old childhood teddy bear may mean a lot to you, but the abuser sees it as trivial and worthless and won't hesitate to throw it out if they see fit.

Are you afraid of your partner?--Do you fear another argument? Do they threaten you with "what if" situations of what they'd do if you ever left? Abuse.

I hope and pray that if one victim of abuse is saved by this, that they find the happiness they truly deserve. No one deserves to be left with emotional scars that can last a lifetime.

I'm B & G, and I'm a victim of emotional and verbal abuse. There. I've said it. Now I can figure out how to heal.

Because I Trust My Readers' Opinions...

Okay, folks. B & G Fan has come to the realization of one thing: I'm not Superwoman. The stresses of life are finally starting to take a toll on me and make me feel old way beyond my years.

The bar has become a big issue of late. Working approximately 36 hours in a weekend, I've been lacking sleep during that time. Last weekend, I got a weekend total of 10 hours of sleep. At this point in time, I really don't believe I've gotten caught up yet, and I'm staring at another weekend.

The long bar hours have led to NOTHING getting done around the house. Heaven forbid that anyone else who lives here do anything to lend a hand. I got up Sunday morning to having to do two loads of laundry and taking care of the balancing game on top of the garbage can in the kitchen before I left for work. I'm not asking for all housework to be done while I'm working, but a little help would be nice.

Lack of help around the house leads to arguments between me and the hubby. Things got really ugly the other night with a lot of things being said that didn't help the situation.

To recap: long hours, lack of help with housework, and fighting between me and the hubby.

All this has led to me constantly feeling like I'm going to upchuck, stomach pain, headaches, and the inability to eat much at all. I've lost almost 15 pounds in a week (that puts me at about 135), and I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.

What I need from my readers are suggestions on how to deal with all this stress. I'm not doing well with it on my own, and objective opinions would be welcomed. My family says not to worry about it, but that's easier said than done. I know it's bad when my health starts to suffer.

Thanks in advance to everyone. I'll be interested to see what yinz can suggest to help me out.

Hump Day Hootenanny

For yinz's listening pleasure today.... I love the song, especially the solo at the end. Enjoy!


Keith Urban - Stupid Boy
Video Codes at www.yallwire.com

Lawyer for "Honor Killing" Dad: “How will it look for Christians to execute a Muslim?”

Noor al-Maleki was a gorgeous, young woman living in Arizona with her family. She loved Western culture and the freedom that this country offers. Unfortunately, her muslim father felt otherwise. The Iraqi-American father decided that his family's "honor" was more valuable than his own child and killed Noor by running over her with his car. She lingered for a short time after being struck.

Now, nearing trial for her MURDER in Arizona, prosecutors have shown to be reluctant in sentencing Faleh al-Maleki to death. Why? Because the scumbag's public defender that you and I are paying for have pitted Christians against muslims to avoid having his client pay with his own life.

From pajamasmedia.com, the Chesler Chronicles:

"[Public Defender] Billy Little asked the judge to “take special precautions to ensure the County Attorney’s Office wouldn’t wrongly seek the death penalty because Almaleki is a Muslim.” Little called for an “open process (to) provide some level of assurance that there is no appearance that a Christian is seeking to execute a Muslim for racial, political, religious or cultural beliefs,” referring to County Attorney Andrew Thomas’ Christian faith."

I'd love to meet this worm of an attorney. Is he kidding? He's asking a judge, most likely a believer in Christ, to make sure that no one from the D.A.'s office seeks the death penalty because of an appearance of religious intolerance?? How dare he. His client took the life of his own daughter because he hates Western civilization.

Does Mr. Little realize how intolerant his client's religion can be? Does he truly believe that a Christian would be given the same consideration under Sharia Law? If he does, he's an idiot, and no village would want him.

Faleh al-Maleki didn't kill a Christian; he killed a muslim. So why is his attorney so hell-bent on painting Christians as biased? Because it's the politically-correct chic thing to do. Period.

And fear not, dear reader. I'm equally as appalled with the D.A.'s office for not having the spine to stand up and say that this "custom" will NOT be tolerated in this country. Shame on them for not representing the safety and concerns of the people of Maricopa County. I'd guarantee that Sheriff Joe Arpaio wouldn't back down, and he represents the same people as the D.A. If they're going to back off of the death penalty in what is clearly a capital murder case, then why even have a frickin' trial? Let him and Mr. Little go sip lattes together and work it out. But I digress...

Noor al-Maleki will never again enjoy the blessings of this world because her father chose to impose his beliefs on this young woman. Now, just as he felt he was doling out justice, he must stop being a coward and face the justice of the people of Maricopa County.

Do you think I could get an application to push the plunger?